Dominic Thought it Would Be a Good Idea to Carve the Thanksgiving Turkey with a Chainsaw

"Carving knives are for sissies!" Dominic shouted as he fired up the chainsaw.

Hope you enjoy this plate of shredded turkey meat mixed with shards of bone and flavored with the taste of gasoline and chainsaw grease.

If you're hungry for more, feel free to scrape seconds off the walls and chandelier.

Dominic "Tested" All of the Fire Extinguishers in Your House

Looks like you're going to have to get them all charged again. :(

Dominic Calls Himself the King of Lies

"I bear witness against the innocent!" Dominic proudly shouted. :o

Dominic Claimed Your "Bag Fries"

He says he gets all of your fries at the bottom of the bag because he shouted, "I call 'bag fries!'"

I've never even heard of that rule before.

Dominic Says He "Invented" a Caribou

"Look what I invented!" Dominic shouted, pointing at a horse with branches stapled to its head.

Dominic Says He Hired the New Receptionist Based Soley on Her Hotness

I don't understand. The gal he interviewed Thursday was hotter.

Dominic Didn't Put Safety First

We had gone 998 days without an accident in the warehouse. So Dominic loosened the bolts on one of the shelves, and it fell on Johnson the next day.

If we had gone a full 1,000 days without an accident, we would've all gotten pizza. :(

Dominic was Grinding the Transmission

He was driving an automatic! :o

Dominic is Going to Throw His Life Away on Drugs

Dominic asked me if I knew any drug dealers. "I'm going to throw my life away on drugs!" he shouted.

No, Dominic, I don't know any drug dealers. And I'm a little offended that you thought I might. >:P

Dominic Made the New Phone System Sound a Lot More Complicated Than it Really is.

All the buttons you need to know are clearly labeled: "Hold," "Transfer," and "Headset." Just be sure to dial # and 9 to call outside of the building.

I don't know why Dominic couldn't have just told you that.

Dominic Found Five Human Heads

"I wonder if I can find five more!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"How come my toes taste so salty today!?" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Put Nair in Your Shampoo Bottle

He thinks it's a funny prank.

"Nair can blind you if you get it in your eyes!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Tried to Do Chin-Ups On the Shower Curtain Rod

I thought it would have been obvious that those things aren't designed to hold the weight of an adult.

Dominic Has to Talk with the Boss About His Attitude Problem

The boss said, "Come into my office, Dominic. I want to talk to you about your attitude problem."

"What f****** attitude problem?!" Dominic shouted, as he delivered a furious head-butt. :o

Dominic is Wishing Everyone a Happy Rosh Hashanah Even Though He's Not Jewish

Dominic shouted me a happy Rosh Hashanah just the other day, and I asked him, "What are you talking about?" Neither of us are Jewish, and besides, Rosh Hashanah fell on the last two days of September this year.

Dominic doesn't seem to know or care. He's wishing everyone he meets a happy Rosh Hashanah, whether they like it or not.

When I pointed out that Rosh Hashanah can never fall after October 5 on the Gregorian calendar, Dominic--instead of thanking me--got furious! He accused me of being an anti-Semite! :o

"You know who else argued about the proper time to celebrate Rosh Hashanah?" Dominic shouted. "Hitler!"