Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dominic is Always Weeping Openly

"How come I never get my way?!" Dominic sobbed hysterically, shoveling handfuls of cake into his face.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dominic Has a New Leather Jacket

"It's made from 100% unicorn hide!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dominic Decided to Close Down His Meth Lab Because it was Interfering with His Vocation to Become a Priest

"Cooking meth all day left me no time for spiritual discernment!" Dominic shouted. "I had no idea what vocation God was calling me to!

"In that way, it was kinda like my marriage!"

Monday, July 27, 2009

Dominic Came Down From the Mountain

"I had a vision!" Dominic shouted. "And in that vision, I was told that everyone must wear purple wigs!"

But if that vision Dominic had up on the mountain was so important, then why isn't Dominic wearing a purple wig right now?

Kinda makes you think Dominic might be a fraud, doesn't it?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dominic Keeps Forcing Me to Update this Blog Against My Will

Has it been over a year already?

"Stop complaining!" Dominic shouted! "Keep blogging about my amazing adventures!"


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dominic is Fertilizing the Lawn

"I filled the hopper of my lawn spreader with McCormick's rock salt!" Dominic shouted. "I can't wait to see how thick and luxuriant the lawn comes in after being enriched with the nutrient-rich fertilizing power of rock salt!"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dominic's Shrieks are Piercing My Eardrums

"It's Miley Cyrus!" Dominic shouted. "I love you, Miley!"

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dominic Believes Nothing is Impossible with Love

"Divide by zero with love!" Dominic shouted. "No excuses! Do it now!"

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Dominic Can't Give an Adequate Explanation to Justify His Purchases

To be fair, though, I don't think anyone could give an adequate justification for buying a T-shirt that says "Fat girls need lovin' too."

"It's meant to be ironic!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dominic is the Bold Swashbuckler, Sailing the High Seas Aboard His Gallant Ship on a Quest for Grand Adventure

That's one way to describe him. The other way is to say he's a grown man sitting in a cardboard box in the middle of the living room, screaming at the sofa.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dominic's Hobby is Breaking Promises

"Don't put your name on that waiting list!" Dominic shouted. "Your life depends on getting a new kidney, so I'll donate one of mine!"

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dominic is Technically a Cannibal

"Yum! Fingernail clippings!" Dominic shouted. "Nom nom nom!"

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Dominic Declared "No Erasies"

Just moments before the Governor phoned with a stay of execution, Dominic shouted that the prisoner's lethal injection was "stamped," with "no erasies."

Sorry Governor. It doesn't matter what new evidence has come to light at this point. You don't have the authority to override a "no erasies."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Dominic Knows Now Why You Humans Cry

"But it is something I can never do!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dominic Made a Mix CD with an Embarrassing Amount of Vonda Shepherd Songs on it

This mix CD is even worse than the one he did last week with the embarrassing amount of Ricky Martin songs.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Dominic Got You a Zune

Gee, thanks. Just what I always wanted... A Zune.

"It's actually just a block of wood with a screen and a button drawn on!" Dominic shouted.

Yeah. Whatever. It's still a Zune.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Dominic is Telling a Long, Boring Story with No Point

"... So then, for a while, I was starting to think that Cannonball Run II was the superior movie of the trilogy!" Dominic shouted. "But then I talked to my priest about it and he told me a lot of points about the first Cannonball Run, and that really got me thinking. So for a couple years after that, I was a fan of the original, and I even got into some screaming matches with people on the subway about it! But then I was talking to this one guy who was telling me that Jackie Chan's martial arts stunts are better in Cannonball Run II, and I was like, 'Jackie Chan?! Don't you mean Rodney Dangerfield!?' And the guy was like, 'No! Rodney Dangerfield isn't in any of the Cannonball Run movies!' And I was like, 'Yes he is! He's a key character in all three! Jackie Chan isn't even in the movies!' And then the guy showed me a scene from Cannonball Run on YouTube, and it had Jackie Chan in it! But I was like, 'Ive never seen that scene before! What does this have to do with golfing?!' And the guy was like, 'The Cannonball Run movies are about an illegal car race, not about golf! You're thinking of Caddyshack!' And so I looked at my DVD collection of the Cannonball Run movies and I realized that they weren't Cannonball Run at all! I had bought three copies of the same movie, Caddyshack, and only thought they were the three different movies in the Cannonball Run trilogy! So then I decided that I had to rent all three movies at once and watch them all in one day to decide which one was better! So I went to Blockbuster Video, and they had the original and the first sequel, but not Cannonball Run III! So I went to the counter to complain, and the clerk tried to sell me this bogus story about the third sequel's title being "Speed Zone"! I got so mad I hurled the two DVDs at him and told him I was going home to write a threatening letter to the president of the company! Then I stormed out, but when I got home I was so drunk I forgot what I was so angry about! All I wanted to do was yell at someone, so instead of writing the letter of complaint to the president of Blockbuster, I drunk-dialed my boss and asked him if he knew anything about Cannonball Run movies and he said he liked the first one but was iffy on the sequels! And that made me really angry because I was so drunk I thought Cannonball Run II was my favorite! I screamed and screamed at him over the phone and threatened to set his house on fire! Then I hung up on him and went into the garage to look for the tank of gasoline! But when I got to the garage, I forgot what I had come in there for, so I..."

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Dominic Finally Got it

"Oooooh... I see it now!" Dominic shouted. "It's called 'Return to Me' because David Duchovny's organ-donor wife's heart 'returns to him' in the body of Minnie Driver, who plays a heart transplant patient!"

You saw that movie, like, eight or nine years ago and you didn't get that until just now?