Friday, December 30, 2011

Dominic Cheated on his Taxes

Dominic told the IRS that he made twice as much money, than he actually did.

"I had to claim your children, to keep my taxes down!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Dominic was Cut out of Granny's Will

Dominic seemed unusually calm during the reading of Granny's will. He didn't even get upset when it was reveled that all of Granny's possessions and money were going to The Institute for World Dominication.

And to think I was afraid that Dominic had tampered with the will.

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Dominic Keeps Calling Your Landlady

Dominic called the landlady to complain about your lawn again and now she's hopping mad.

I think he did it because he knew I was away this weekend and would have to pay him to mow it.

"It's called exploitation!" Dominic shouted.

Sunday, December 25, 2011

Dominic Insisted on Hosting Christmas Dinner

Dominic insisted hosting Christmas Dinner this year.

"You have to microwave your own hot dog chunks!" Dominic shouted as we walked in the door.

He knows how much I hate hot dogs.

Friday, December 23, 2011

Dominic Has No Manners

"Don't mind if I have another of your bite-size canaries!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

Dominic Loves to Clean for People

"I cleaned all your precious pictures with the cleaning power of fire!" Dominic shouted. "The bill is in the mail!"

Monday, December 19, 2011

Dominic is Probably Going to Buy Your Car

"This car is perfect!" Dominic Shouted. "It's got your fingerprints on everything!"

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Dominic Cares About My Health

"Decaf is much better for you!" Dominic shouted. "I switched your coffee with Decaf, because I care about your health!"

Yes, that was decaffeinated, but it was really just a laxative.

I'm not sure what the judge found worse, the felon on trial or the juror who kept having to use the restroom.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Dominic Got Personalized License Plates

"I had the DMV put 'MURDER' on my plates so everyone on the road can see how 'edgy' I am!" Dominic shouted.

"Then I got the specialized 'Kids First' plate so that everyone will know that I'm a new dad!"
Today's DMMA post was a revision of the 12/3/09 original.

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Dominic's Party Goes Until the Crack of Dawn

"Nobody leaves until you smoke this crack-cocaine!!!" Dominic shouted.

I don't think Dawn is going to appreciate you giving out free samples of her stash.

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Dominic Opened a Dog Obedience School

"It's open Monday through Friday, 9am - 6pm; not federal holidays, so stop asking!!" Dominic shouted.

As far as I can tell, the only trick he's teaching these dogs is how to crap in my yard.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Dominic Did Something Thoughtful

"I knew how much you loved your dog, so I took him to the taxidermist and got him stuffed!" shouted Dominic.

Most people wait until their dog dies before they do that >:-(

"Now he's preserved in his prime!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Dominic Has Taken Up Oil Painting

"I prefer to use Pennzoil 10W-40 Motor Oil on that large 3500 ft² canvas you call your 'beach house!'" Dominic shouted.

His fire looks so life-like.

Monday, December 5, 2011

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"How long does it take a 10 pound catfish to rot when it's deep inside the HVAC ducts?!?!" Dominic shouted. "When will it get unbearable if the catfish was in there by 6:30 this morning!!!"

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Dominic Edited Your Book and Sent it to the Publisher

"The author's name is still pronounced 'Margo', but I corrected the spelling to 'D-o-m-i-n-i-c' wherever it appeared in the book!!!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Dominic Isn't Taking Any More Crap

"The closets and cabinets are full to capacity!" Dominic shouted.

He didn't even thank everyone for their generous donations.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Dominic Used His Survival Skills

I got locked in the bathroom. I had to survive off of toilet paper and toothpaste sandwiches...mmm! " Dominic shouted.

He used up all the tooth paste in under an hour, was that necessary?"

Monday, November 28, 2011

Dominic Believes in Sharing

"Do we have any clean underpants left or did I use your last pair?!" shouted Dominic.

I think there are some things that people just shouldn't share. Did you check the freezer :(

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Dominic is Not Following Community Expectations

Wearing ass-less chaps and walking on the left side of the side walk is not following community expectations.

"It's just what the community expects of me!" shouted Dominic.

Friday, November 25, 2011

Dominic Cleaned up after Dinner

Dominic had told Granny to go to bed after dinner. He told her that he would clean up, but when Granny came downstairs this morning she discovered that the only thing he had done was taken all of the left overs.

"I've been robbed!" Granny shouted.

He didn't even clear the table.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Dominic Brought the Mashed Potatoes

At least he could have thawed the tater tots before he put them in the blender and served them.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Dominic Claims He Can Speak Russian

"Яussian Яuffles have Яed Яidges!!" Dominic shouted.

I'm relatively certain that's not how you speak Russian. I guess I overpaid for his "translation services."

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Dominic Believes There is a Little Bit of Good in Everyone

"All you have to do is look for the good in people and once you've found it...let the exploitation begin!" shouted Dominic

Friday, November 18, 2011

Dominic Isn't Going to Leave Anything Behind

In his will he specified that he wants to be buried with all of his possessions and he wants all of his friends to be buried alive with him.

It's a good thing he doesn't have any of these things.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Dominic Showed His Support at the Autism Awareness Rally.

Everyone was having a good time until Dominic showed up with Molotov cocktails.

If he had actually read the flyer I gave him, he would have known that it was supposed to be a peaceful rally.

Monday, November 14, 2011

Dominic Crashed the Cocktail Party

I don’t think seeing Dominic throwing up all over his toga made a good impression on the potential investors.

"I wish I hadn't eaten so much scrapple!" shouted Dominic

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Dominic Partook in a Civil War Reenactment

Dominic was reading about a civil war reenactment at a nearby battlefield. Dominic was truly touched by the account and wanted to take part, so he dressed in one of his old uniforms and headed over to the local park.

“I’m reenacting the famous battle of my emotions!” shouted Dominic as he threw fire crackers at the children as they ran away in terror.

“This time, Victory will be Mine!

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Dominic is making Malted Milkshakes

When I took out my winter sweaters and coats I noticed that they were laden with moth holes.

"I used the moth balls to make malted milk shakes!" shouted Dominic shouted

That's not how you make malted milkshakes.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Dominic Offered to Give Your Wife a Surprise C-Section

"I'll throw in Bonus Liposuction for free since she is so fat!" Dominic shouted.

I've never even heard of the Medical School of Hard Knox. Is that even accredited?

Friday, November 4, 2011

Dominic Broke My Washing Machine

"I can't believe I was able to fit 45 pounds of dead cat in here!" shouted Dominic

The average washing machine is designed to hold 11 pounds of laundry. >:-(

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Dominic Helped Changed My Bandage.

"I soaked the bandage in salted lemon juice to help kill germs!" shouted Dominic

Monday, October 31, 2011

Dominic is passing out candy for Halloween

"I'm passing out Halloween Candy this year!" Dominic shouted as he grabbed a bag of chocolate covered espresso beans and began to open the door to trick-or-treaters.

No, Dominic the wig on your Lady Godiva costume is not long enough! There are children on the other side of that door!

Saturday, October 29, 2011

Dominic Says He Has a Naval Officer Costume On

I don’t think that cussing like a sailor constitutes a naval officer costume.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Dominic Won’t Stop Talking Like a Mastercard Commercial.

Cheese puffs: $5

Pants" $5!

Not having to use a napkin: Priceless!


Television $5!

Sitting on the couch to watch television: Priceless!

Gallon of gasoline: $5!

Cigarette Lighter: $5!

Setting the couch and television on fire: Priceless!

I don't think Dominic understands the value of the dollar. Probably because these things were mine.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Dominic Requested the Pat Down at the Airport

Dominic taped mouse traps all over his body and then requested the pat down at the airport.

I wish he had let me go in line first.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Dominic Wanted Me to Feel Fresh

When I was in a hurry to leave to work, I noticed that all of my underwear was missing and in it's place there was a note:


Dominic should know better than to say "More fresher"

Friday, October 21, 2011

Dominic Remarks on Poverty in America

Dominic doesn’t under stand how in this land of plenty there could be children who don’t get enough to eat.

“Just look at all this road kill I was able to find today!” Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Dominic Approves of My New Couch

"It's perfect!! The fabric itches my rash while absorbing the leakage.” Dominic shouted.

Now I know why he talked me out of getting the leather couch.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Dominic Made "Improvements" to the Portrait Hanging in the Living Room.

"I painted him a mustache and a sombrero! Mexico is really in this season!" shouted Dominic.

That painting was the only likeness that existed of my grandmother. :-(

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Dominic Is Trying to Convince Me He Can Tell My Fortune By Reading His Son's Dirty Diapers.

"You just gotta look really really close!" shouted Dominic.

No, I'm not falling for that trick again.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Dominic Keeps Throwing Up

"Don't stop on account of me! Hweerghfwrelluuuupppppp!" Dominic shouted. "The Parade of Muffin Tops in Halter Tops must go on! Bwarfwaggggloppppr!!"

Why did Dominic even ask to be a judge in this event?

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Dominic Hates Christmas Song Parodies

"The only thing Batman smells like is justice!" Dominic screamed, shaking his fist at the terrified fourth graders.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by John D.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Dominic Traded the Time Share.

"We're going to Akron!" Dominic shouted.

The children had been so excited about finally going to Disney World.

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Dominic “bought” His Son a Bag of Rocks

“Teaching your son to throw rocks at cars is not just a right of passage…it’s a duty of passage” Dominic shouted.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

Dominic Claims He's an Undercover Double Agent

"I'm posing as Team Edward, but actually I'm Team Jacob!" shouted Dominic. "They'll never know what hit them!"

No, I don't suppose they will

Friday, October 7, 2011

Dominic Baked a Beautiful Cake

Dominic baked a beautiful cake for his son's birthday party.

"The secret ingredient is love!" Dominic shouted

But as all the guests found out, the secret ingredient was actually pepper spray.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Dominic Started a New blog

It took a couple of months before I finally got around to checking out Dominic's new "Blog of Emotions!" which reads exactly like the diary I kept in high school.

"I can't believe you just left your diary lying around under your mattress" Dominic shouted