Friday, January 30, 2009

Dominic is Not Being Very Patient

"Allow 6 to 8 weeks for overseas delivery!?" Dominic shouted at the online order form.

"But I want to get trashed on absinthe right now!"

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dominic Should Not be Allowed to Order Pizza for the Group

He asked for masking tape as one of the toppings.

"It's an acquired taste!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dominic Wanted Me to Look at His Wedding Photos

I missed Dominic's wedding because I was out of town. However, Dominic let me see the wedding photos once he got them back from the photographer.

"Did you notice that I'm the only one doing the Lynndie England 'thumbs up' pose in every single picture!?" Dominic shouted.

Yes, Dominic, that was the very first thing I noticed about these photos.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dominic is Stalking You

Quick! Look out your window! He's peering in at you right now!


Dang! You just missed him! :o

Monday, January 26, 2009

Dominic Complains About Everything

“Are you still alive?!” Dominic shouted.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Dominic is Cooking Chinese Stir-Fry

Coincidentally, no one's seen your cat in the last two hours.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dominic is Soundproofing His Basement

"I have to keep actor Paul Sorvino trapped down here for six months!" Dominic shouted.

Why six months?

And why Paul Sorvino?

You know what? Forget I asked... I probably don't even want to know. ;P

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dominic Thinks He's Got an Improvement on the Atkins Diet

"Instead of avoiding carbs, you avoid protein!" Dominic shouted. "You can eat as much of any food you want, so long as it contains absolutely no protein!"

I'm pretty sure that diet will eventually kill you. :(

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dominic Delivered the Eulogy

Dominic stood at the lectern and shouted, “Who is this jackass?! Are you sure I know him!?”

Then he shouted, “I’m ordering a pizza later on! Does anyone want anything from the pizza place?! They have cheesy bread sticks!”

Monday, January 19, 2009

Dominic Says the Imperial Senate Will No Longer Be of Any Concern to Us

"I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently!" Dominic shouted.

Have the last remnants of the Old Republic been swept away? Impossible. How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?

"The regional governors now have direct control over their territories!" Dominic shouted. "Fear will keep the local systems in line! Fear of this battle station!"

Okay, Dominic, if you say so. Just so long as there are no exploitable weaknesses in this battle station. ;)

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dominic Decided That He is Too Old to Have a Magic Unicorn Friend

Everyone loved Dominic's magic unicorn friend, Starfire. And Starfire loved us all in return. Starfire's favorite thing to was to magically appear in the cancer wing of the local children's hospital and fill the child cancer patients with hope and joy.

But most of all, Starfire loved Dominic. Oh, the adventures they would go on! Through thick and thin, they built a friendship that was as enduring as the sun and mountains. Starfire's loyalty to Dominic was legendary. What stories could be told!

Then, the other day, Dominic said he was getting too old to have a magic unicorn friend. So he slaughtered Starfire by crushing Starfire's skull with a fifteen pound hammer. Then Dominic sold the carcass to a processing plant where magical Starfire was ground into bone meal.

Guess ya can't win 'em all, Starfire. :(

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dominic is Selling His Appendix on EBay

"You can't have me hanging out with you all the time," Dominic shouted, "but now you can have a little piece of me preserved in formaldehyde in a jar that you can take wherever you go! It will be just like I'm right there with you!"

Well, not quite like that. An appendix in a jar cannot scream obscenities and verbally abuse you randomly.

"No problem!" Dominic shouted. "I'll make a tape recording of that and include it with the shipping!"

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dominic is Giving You Bad Stock Tips

Dominic called up everyone he knows today and told them to put all their money in Pan Am Airlines.

"I've done the research, and I'm very bullish on Pan Am right now!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dominic Can't Solve the Riddle of Steel

Crom is going to cast Dominic out of Valhalla and laugh at him! :D

Crom is strong on his mountain!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Dominic Failed Us in Our Hour of Greatest Need

"I was busy playing video games!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Dominic Returned Your Car After Borrowing It

"Hope you don't mind," Dominic shouted. "There's some slight inferno damage to the body and interior!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dominic is Leaving Passive-Aggressive Notes on Your Cubicle

This one says,

Just a polite and friendly note to ask you, could you PLEASE do me a huge favor and at least TRY to not be such a disgusting sack of garbage? I would REALLY appreciate that SO MUCH!!!!! I'm sick of putting up with it, and so are a bunch of other people I talked to. I don't know if you realize this, but other people have to share this office with you, so you really ought to take some time to think about COMMON COURTESY!!!!!!


–Yours Sincerely, Dominic

I hate that fake "polite" tone of passive-aggressive notes.

And are the all caps and exclamation points really necessary?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Understand Cooking Terminology

I'm not even going to tell you what Dominic thought I wanted him to do when I told him to "french the rack of lamb."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dominic Edited the Wikipedia Article About You

Now Wikipedia descibes you as a drug addict and a pervert. :o

You might want to go online and change that before your parents read it.

They believe everything they read on the Internets.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Dominic Wonders, "Will All Great Neptune’s Ocean Wash this Blood Clean from My Hand?"

No; his hand will the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red. :(