Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Dominic Realized That When the Time is 2:52, it Still Reads 25:2 if He Flips His Digital Clock Upside Down


Versus this:

"That's the spookiest thing I've ever seen!" Dominic shouted. "I'm a firm believer in numerology now!"

Monday, March 30, 2009

Dominic Wishes He Had Never Been Born

"I wish I had been spawned instead of birthed!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Dominic Posted a Video on YouTube

"It shows me eating a can of tuna!" Dominic shouted.

I have no idea why he thought people would want to watch that.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Dominic was the Last to Use the Needle Nose Pliers, and Now No One Can Find Them

"I'm sorry! I wish I could help you find the pliers!" Dominic shouted. "But I just don't remember what I did with them when I was done plucking my nose hair!"

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dominic Has a Photograph of the Best Day of His Life

"The day I met Stalin was the best day ever!" Dominic shouted.

"Stalin said he was going to send me to one of his Gulag camps! I said, 'Oh boy! A real Soviet Gulag!' I'd heard so much about them, and not I was going to see one for real!"

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Dominic is Going to be a Father

"I want to pick a baby name that reflects the baby's personality!" Dominic shouted. "I'm leaning towards 'Extra Toes' if it's a boy, and 'Monobrow' if it's a girl!"

But, what if the baby doesn't have extra toes or a monobrow?

"In that case," Dominic shouted. "Baby's name is 'Cut Out of the Will'!"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dominic is Flipping Houses

Is he insane? It's not 2005 anymore. Attempting to flip houses in this market is guaranteed to lose money.

"That's okay! I'm using your money to do it!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dominic is Refusing to Dance with Elizabeth Bennet

Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances; and during part of that time, Dominic had been standing near enough for her to overhear a conversation between him and Mr. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes to press his friend to join it.

"Come, Dominic," said he, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance."

"I certainly shall not!" Dominic shouted "You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner! At such an assembly as this, it would be insupportable! Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with!"

"I would not be so fastidious as you are," cried Bingley, "for a kingdom! Upon my honour I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life, as I have this evening; and there are several of them, you see, uncommonly pretty."

"You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room!" Dominic shouted, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

"Oh! she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."

"Which do you mean?!" Dominic shouted. Turning round, he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and shouted, "She is tolerable! But not handsome enough to tempt me!"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dominic Says He Has a Major in Kicking Your Butt

Whatever. Dominic has a major in political science, not kicking your butt.

In fact I seriously doubt that there is any accredited college in the world that even offers a major in kicking your butt.

So, nice try with the threat, Dominic, but I'm not buying it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dominic Makes Gengis Kahn Look Like Shirley Temple

Who has that kind of free time where they can spend hours in Photoshop putting golden corkscrew curls on a picture of Gengis Kahn?

Apparantly, Dominic does.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dominic is Busting Moves

If you have any moves, hide them, or Dominic will totally bust them.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dominic Only Keeps "Approximate Time"

For example, if it's 6:36, and you ask Dominic what time it is, he'll shout, "It's a quarter til!"

No, Dominic, 6:36 is not a quarter til.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dominic Keeps Screwing Up the PSA Script

It's not that hard. All he has to do is read the script in full, and we put it on the radio and discourage drunk driving.

Here's the script--it's only three sentences:

If you drink, then drive, you put everyone on the road at risk. And you WILL be arrested. So be smart and designate a driver.

That's it. Pretty simple right?

But every time we have Dominic in the studio to record a take, here's what he shouts into the microphone:

If you drink, then DRIVE!

C'mon, Dominic. Read the rest so the studio guys can wrap and go home.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dominic is Turning State's Evidence Against You

If I know one thing about Dominic, it's that he'd say anything and betray anyone to stay out of prison. :o

Now, I want to be very careful in letting you know that it would be illegal for me to advise you to shred any incriminating documents that Dominic may have told the Feds about.


Monday, March 9, 2009

Dominic Has Gone Too Far

I told Dominic that he could go this far: |----------|

But Dominic goes ahead and goes this far: |----------|----->

Friday, March 6, 2009

Dominic Faked His Own Death

"Everyone thinks I'm dead!" Dominic shouted.

"But really I'm here at Chuck E. Cheese having the time of my life!"

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Dominic is Rating This on a Scale of One to Ten, Specifying "Ten Being the Highest and One Being the Lowest"

Do you really have to specify that, Dominic? Do you really have to point out that ten is the highest and one is the lowest on a scale of one to ten?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dominic Inspires People to Believe the Impossible

Today, he "inspired" a guy to sign a written confession for crimes he never could have committed! :o

"It just goes to show you the inspirational power of my torture techniques!" Dominic shouted. ;)

Monday, March 2, 2009

Dominic Bought Beer Using a Fake ID.

Um, Dominic? You're 31. You can just buy beer with your real ID.


For Ben:


Sometimes Dominic uses his "Cowboy ID" to buy cigarettes.