Monday, August 31, 2009

Dominic Says He Has a Magic Wand

"I just point this magic wand at all my problems!" Dominic shouted, "and--poof!--they disappear!"

Um, Dominic, that's not a magic wand. That's a .44 Magnum. Who do you think you are, Harry Callahan?

"More like Harry Potter!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Dominic is Silently Judging Me

Dominic strode into my office. Then he stopped, planted one foot, crossed his arms, cocked his head to one side, and then just stood there, staring down his nose at me.

I was so wrapped up in what I was doing, it took me a minute or so before I realized Dominic was even there.

"Oh, hey, Dominic," I said. "Can I do something for you?"

I was almost hoping that Dominic would shout something demoralizing at me. But he didn't. He shrugged his shoulders and gave a weary shake of the head. Then he just stood there, silent, with that you-disgust-me expression.

It's so hard to work with him two feet away from me like that. I just know he's finding something wrong with the way I'm doing my job.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dominic's Attempts to Crash the Internet are Pathetic

"I Googled the word 'the'!" Dominic shouted.

That didn't crash the internet even a little bit. All it did was reveal top search result for "the" to be "The Onion."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Have you ever eaten marbles just to hear what it sounds like when they hit the toilet bowl?!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Dominic is Telling Me Horrible Truths

"In Canada, they pour mayonnaise on their fries!" Dominic shouted.

I didn't want to know that, Dominic. Why did you have to tell me?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Dominic is Making All His Wildest Dreams Come True

"Goodbye, Schenectady!" Dominic shouted as he turned the two keys simultaneously and began the countdown.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dominic Says that Stripes are Slimming

"I thought your head was starting to look a little chubby, so I gave you a mohawk while you were asleep!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dominic is Sharing Too Much Personal Information

"The washing machine turned all my underpants inside out!" Dominic shouted. "Now I'm wearing inside-out underpants until the next wash cycle!"

Monday, August 17, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Know What it Means

We asked Dominic what it means. He started to shout, "It means--" He stopped and paused thoughtfully. Then he gave us a wry smile and shouted, "It means whatever you want it to mean!"

We all just want to know what it means, and we are getting a little impatient with Dominic's philosophical detachment.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Dominic Wants Me to Believe in the Conspiracy of Trees

"I've traveled all over the world!" Dominic shouted, "And no matter where I go, it's always the same: trees, trees and more trees!

"What are the odds?!

"Think about it!

Wheels within wheels, my friend!"

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Want Presents on His Birthday

"All I require is sacrifice!" Dominic shouted from his Birthday Throne that he had decorated with skulls.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Dominic's Comedy Routine is Awful

"Didja ever notice..." Dominic shouted, "Didja ever notice... that life is nothing but meaningless suffering! Or, like, that one day we'll all be dead and the universe won't miss us at all?!"

Geez. No one's laughing at his material; he's totally dying up there. Why doesn't he bring out some props or something?

"We are alone! So totally alone!"

Boo! Do your John Madden impression, Dominic!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dominic Got Evicted and Moved Back into His Parents' House

"Your policy on this place covers fire, right, Dad?!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic's dad didn't say anything. He just shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Dominic Likes Golf Because it is a Gentleman's Game

"I moved my ball! I'm calling a two-stroke penalty on myself!" Dominic shouted as he marked his scorecard.

But we haven't even teed off yet. Why is he taking a two-stroke penalty for moving a ball that isn't even in play?

"Because I'm following a ******* gentleman's code of honor, jerk!" Dominic shouted as he took out his putter and began furiously cracking the heads of anyone who objected.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Dominic Can Understand What You're Saying Perfectly Fine Despite His Protests to the Contrary

"Huh?!" Dominic shouted. "You want me to stop setting the drapes on mire!? What are you talking about?? That makes no sense!

"Look, just let me finish what I'm doing and I promise you I won't take your drapes and set them on any mires, okay?!"