Monday, December 14, 2009

Dominic Thinks He "Won" Google

"I Googled the numeral '1' and came up with 2,180,000,000 hits!" Dominic shouted. "That beats the letters 'e,' 's,' and the numeral '0'! I won! I finally won at Google!"

Does Dominic ever get any work done?

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Dominic Gave Vincent the Finger

I saw Dominic filling up at the gas station as I drove by so I waved, but Dominic gave me the finger! I thought, “Surely, that’s meant for the car behind me,” but then Dominic shouted, “Screw you, Vincent!”

I guess I won’t be bailing him out of jail anymore. :(

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dominic's brother Vincent

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Dominic Has My Best Interests in Mind

"You're interested in animals, right?" Dominic shouted as he slammed a dead raccoon down on my desk.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by John D

Monday, December 7, 2009

Dominic Refuses to Come to Dinner

"I won't come over until you do something about your tarantula problem!" Dominic shouted

There are no tarantulas in Fredericksburg, VA. What are you talking about?

"When you were at work, I let loose several dozen in your kitchen!" Dominic shouted. "They're imported!"

Today's DMMA post was suggested by John S.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dominic Got Personalized License Plates

"I had the DMV put 'MURDER' on my plates so everyone on the road can see how 'edgy' I am!" Dominic shouted.

"Then I got the specialized 'Kids First' plate so that everyone will know that I'm a new dad!"

Today's DMMA post was suggested by Dominic.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Dominic Stuffed the Thanksgiving Turkey This Year

"I stuffed it with my old socks!" Dominic shouted. "It gives the meat a nice gamey flavor!"

Dominic started piling slices of white meat on your plate.

"Mmmm! Gamey!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Bridget

Monday, November 23, 2009

Dominic Replaced the Sugar with Salt.

I wish I knew that before I mailed that batch of cookies to the soldiers fighting in Iraq.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Margaret.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Dominic Is Starting Another "Charity"

Dominic's idea this time is to buy up all the water rights in drought-stricken countries and label it as 'artisan water' to sell at a huge mark-up in trendy boutique stores.

I have to admit, I'm not following Dominic's logic here. How is taking away poor people's water and selling it to the rich a "charity"?

"It's a precious commodity!" Dominic shouted. "Don't you understand?! The more you drink, the poorer they become!"

So then it's not so much a charity as it is stealing from poor people...

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dan

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Dominic Uses the Washing Machine Like it's His Personal Laundry Hamper

"Whenever I have an article of clothing that needs washing, I don't want it in my room, so I just throw it in the washing machine!" shouted Dominic. "I don't wash it right away, though! I let clothes build up over the course of weeks!"

What if someone takes your clothes out of the machine to do their own laundry?

"That makes me super angry!" Dominic shouted. "I always start screaming, 'How dare you put my clothes on the floor! don't you ever do that again!!'"

Oh, man. Washing machine hogs are like my biggest pet peeve ever.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Dominic Coins the Worst Aphorisms

"Give a man a match, and he's warm for a minute!" Dominic shouted. "Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life!"

This aphorism really was submitted by Dominic, while he was trying to set me on fire.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

Dominic Thinks it's Hilarious to Drive on the Sidewalk

"I'm putting the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'!" Dominic shouted.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Tim.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Dominic Is Sick of His Newborn Baby Sleeping Twenty Hours a Day

"People only need seven hours of sleep, eight hours tops!" Dominic shouted. "but my lazy son doesn't wake up to normal alarm clocks!"

"That's why I had to make my own alarm clock! Now Baby Will can wake up to the dulcet tones of this foghorn!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Ann S.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Dominic is going to the Polls to Vote Today

"I'm gonna to hit at least sixteen polling stations and vote at all of them!" Dominic shouted.

You'd better not, Dominic. Voter fraud is illegal and unethical.

"No, it's okay!" Dominic shouted. "I'm only canceling out my wife's multiple votes!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dominic.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Dominic is Correcting People's Grammar with Non-Existent Rules

"The post office is further down the block," I said.

"You mean to say that the post office is farther down the block!" Dominic shouted. "'Further' is only correct when using the sectarian tense!"

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Dominic Keeps Calling CVS "The Nipple Store"

"That's where I go to buy nipples for little Will's baby bottles!" Dominic shouted. "It only makes sense that I call it 'The Nipple Store!'"

That's what Dominic says but I think the real reason is because he knows how much I hate the word "nipple."

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry post was submitted by Bridget K.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Dominic Needs Supplies for the New Baby

"Where's the diapers!?" Dominic shouted.

"We don't sell diapers," said the clerk behind the register. "This is a liquor store."

Dominic got furious. He shouted, "You mean I have to go to one store for food and a completely different store for diapers?!"

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry post was submitted by Jason K.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Dominic Knows How to Cook Spaghetti

"You know how to tell when spaghetti is perfectly cooked!?" Dominic shouted. "Throw it against the wall! If it sticks, it's done!"

To illustrate his point, he grabbed the five-quart pot full of boiling water and spaghetti and dashed the contents against the wall.

"Nope! Nothing stuck!" Dominic shouted as the steaming mess of noodles slid off the wall and scalding water spread across the floor. "I'd give it two more minutes!" he shouted, returning the empty five quart pot to the hot burner.

Today's post was submitted/loosely suggested by Anthony S.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Dominic Has Friends in High Places

"And now I'm going to shove them off!" Dominic shouted.

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry Post was submitted by Dominic.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Dominic Prepared a Lunch of Canned Creamed Corn for Little Five-Year Old John Michael

"A U.S. Marine can down 1.2 kilograms of creamed corn in 45 seconds!" Dominic shouted. "You only have thirty seconds left, John Michael! So chow down, Marine!"

Five-year old John Michael did his best to eat those 1.2 kilograms of creamed corn as fast as he could with Dominic repeatedly shouting "Chow down, Marine!" in his face.

Then John Michael threw up.

Jeez, Dominic, you could have at least heated up John Michael's creamed corn.

Today's post was submitted by Chris M. who says he's got six kids that he'll never let Dominic babysit.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Dominic is Getting Some Updates to His Blog

"Since some of you have expressed interest in suggesting posts, there is now an 'email me' icon in the sidebar!" Dominic shouted.

"Ry Guy has also added a search feature in the sidebar if you want to look for a specific post without scrolling back through all the archives!"

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Dominic is Consulting a Ouiji Board for Baby Names*

"'Dagon' and 'Belial' are both good names!" Dominic shouted. "But so far, I'm leaning toward 'Mephisto!'"

* Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry Post was submitted by Margaret.

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Would you eat this in under ten minutes if I said you'd get a free T-shirt?!" Dominic shouted, holding up a five-gallon bucket filled with broken glass shards.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dominic Wants to Achieve Inner Peace

Dominic grabbed the zen master by the throat and began throttling him violently. "Teach me inner peace!!" Dominic bellowed hysterically.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Dominic Cannot Take a Hint

"So, I could totally tell that Jon and Kate were heading for a divorce long before anyone else picked up on it!" Dominic shouted. "I just read the signals!"

"I wouldn't know," I said, hoping that Dominic would stop telling me about these people soon. "I never watch the show.

"And when it came out that Jon had an affair, I knew that everyone would automatically take Jon's side!" Dominic shouted. "Everyone thinks that Kate is such a horrible nag that they believed she just drove Jon away!"

"I don't know anything about this," I said. "I really have no idea who these people are."

"Now Jon's true nature is coming out and people are starting to see what I've been saying all along!" Dominic shouted. "Jon's just a money-grubbing opportunist! Kate's better off without him!"

"I really don't want to know about any of this," I said. "I never watch the show, I don't care about them, and I have absolutely zero interest in learning anything about Jon and Kate's marital problems."

"Oh, good!" Dominic shouted. "That means you're a neutral party! Lemme explain how this all came about starting in season one!"

Dominic then went on to explain in detail how Jon and Kate's marriage evolved from season one, completely ignoring the fact that tears were streaming down my face as I screamed "LALALALALA!" at the top of my lungs and repeatedly punched my ears, hoping to inflict permanent deafness.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Dominic is Retaining Water

"Look!" Dominic shouted. "I dammed up the river and made a little pond!"

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Dominic is Cooking Tiny Game Birds

"These birds are considered something of a delicacy in some countries!" Dominic shouted. "They're so little, you actually eat the bones rather than trying to get the meat off!"

Didn't you used to have parakeets?

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Dominic Got a "Hands Free" Headset for the Car

"I was so sick of having to use my hands to steer the car!" Dominic shouted as he folded his arms across his chest, floored the gas pedal, and took off down the freeway.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Dominic has a Rendezvous with History

"Don't tell Destiny!" Dominic shouted "She'll just get jealous if she finds out I'm rendezvousing with someone else!"

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Dominic is a Robot

His programming is so complex that you can talk to him for hours and totally forget that he isn't even human.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Dominic Has the Worst Chili Recipie Ever

There is no meat; there are no beans; there are no tomatoes; and there are no chiles.

This is a bowl of pure capsaicin and nothing else.

"What are you waiting for!?" Dominic shouted. "Eat up!"

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Dominic is Always Trying to Convince Me to Sign up for the Slave Mines

"The beautiful thing about the Slave Mines is that they're not just your home!" Dominic shouted. "They're also your grave!"

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Dominic Says His Life is a Dashing Bold Adventure

"I shot a guy for this candy bar!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Dominic Only Hurts the People He Loves

"I'm giving you twenty bucks because I hate your guts!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Can you see me when I do this?!" Dominic shouted, shutting his eyes as tightly as he could.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Dominic's Glove Compartment is Wedged Shut

When I finally pried it open, I discovered the problem; it was stuffed with dead cats.

"Don't throw those out!" Dominic shouted. "I need those for later!"

Monday, August 31, 2009

Dominic Says He Has a Magic Wand

"I just point this magic wand at all my problems!" Dominic shouted, "and--poof!--they disappear!"

Um, Dominic, that's not a magic wand. That's a .44 Magnum. Who do you think you are, Harry Callahan?

"More like Harry Potter!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Dominic is Silently Judging Me

Dominic strode into my office. Then he stopped, planted one foot, crossed his arms, cocked his head to one side, and then just stood there, staring down his nose at me.

I was so wrapped up in what I was doing, it took me a minute or so before I realized Dominic was even there.

"Oh, hey, Dominic," I said. "Can I do something for you?"

I was almost hoping that Dominic would shout something demoralizing at me. But he didn't. He shrugged his shoulders and gave a weary shake of the head. Then he just stood there, silent, with that you-disgust-me expression.

It's so hard to work with him two feet away from me like that. I just know he's finding something wrong with the way I'm doing my job.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Dominic's Attempts to Crash the Internet are Pathetic

"I Googled the word 'the'!" Dominic shouted.

That didn't crash the internet even a little bit. All it did was reveal top search result for "the" to be "The Onion."

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Have you ever eaten marbles just to hear what it sounds like when they hit the toilet bowl?!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Dominic is Telling Me Horrible Truths

"In Canada, they pour mayonnaise on their fries!" Dominic shouted.

I didn't want to know that, Dominic. Why did you have to tell me?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Dominic is Making All His Wildest Dreams Come True

"Goodbye, Schenectady!" Dominic shouted as he turned the two keys simultaneously and began the countdown.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Dominic Says that Stripes are Slimming

"I thought your head was starting to look a little chubby, so I gave you a mohawk while you were asleep!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Dominic is Sharing Too Much Personal Information

"The washing machine turned all my underpants inside out!" Dominic shouted. "Now I'm wearing inside-out underpants until the next wash cycle!"

Monday, August 17, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Know What it Means

We asked Dominic what it means. He started to shout, "It means--" He stopped and paused thoughtfully. Then he gave us a wry smile and shouted, "It means whatever you want it to mean!"

We all just want to know what it means, and we are getting a little impatient with Dominic's philosophical detachment.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Dominic Wants Me to Believe in the Conspiracy of Trees

"I've traveled all over the world!" Dominic shouted, "And no matter where I go, it's always the same: trees, trees and more trees!

"What are the odds?!

"Think about it!

Wheels within wheels, my friend!"

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Want Presents on His Birthday

"All I require is sacrifice!" Dominic shouted from his Birthday Throne that he had decorated with skulls.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Dominic's Comedy Routine is Awful

"Didja ever notice..." Dominic shouted, "Didja ever notice... that life is nothing but meaningless suffering! Or, like, that one day we'll all be dead and the universe won't miss us at all?!"

Geez. No one's laughing at his material; he's totally dying up there. Why doesn't he bring out some props or something?

"We are alone! So totally alone!"

Boo! Do your John Madden impression, Dominic!

Monday, August 10, 2009

Dominic Got Evicted and Moved Back into His Parents' House

"Your policy on this place covers fire, right, Dad?!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic's dad didn't say anything. He just shifted uncomfortably in his seat.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Dominic Likes Golf Because it is a Gentleman's Game

"I moved my ball! I'm calling a two-stroke penalty on myself!" Dominic shouted as he marked his scorecard.

But we haven't even teed off yet. Why is he taking a two-stroke penalty for moving a ball that isn't even in play?

"Because I'm following a ******* gentleman's code of honor, jerk!" Dominic shouted as he took out his putter and began furiously cracking the heads of anyone who objected.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Dominic Can Understand What You're Saying Perfectly Fine Despite His Protests to the Contrary

"Huh?!" Dominic shouted. "You want me to stop setting the drapes on mire!? What are you talking about?? That makes no sense!

"Look, just let me finish what I'm doing and I promise you I won't take your drapes and set them on any mires, okay?!"

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Dominic is Always Weeping Openly

"How come I never get my way?!" Dominic sobbed hysterically, shoveling handfuls of cake into his face.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Dominic Has a New Leather Jacket

"It's made from 100% unicorn hide!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Dominic Decided to Close Down His Meth Lab Because it was Interfering with His Vocation to Become a Priest

"Cooking meth all day left me no time for spiritual discernment!" Dominic shouted. "I had no idea what vocation God was calling me to!

"In that way, it was kinda like my marriage!"

Monday, July 27, 2009

Dominic Came Down From the Mountain

"I had a vision!" Dominic shouted. "And in that vision, I was told that everyone must wear purple wigs!"

But if that vision Dominic had up on the mountain was so important, then why isn't Dominic wearing a purple wig right now?

Kinda makes you think Dominic might be a fraud, doesn't it?

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Dominic Keeps Forcing Me to Update this Blog Against My Will

Has it been over a year already?

"Stop complaining!" Dominic shouted! "Keep blogging about my amazing adventures!"

:'(

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Dominic is Fertilizing the Lawn

"I filled the hopper of my lawn spreader with McCormick's rock salt!" Dominic shouted. "I can't wait to see how thick and luxuriant the lawn comes in after being enriched with the nutrient-rich fertilizing power of rock salt!"

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dominic's Shrieks are Piercing My Eardrums

"It's Miley Cyrus!" Dominic shouted. "I love you, Miley!"

Monday, July 20, 2009

Dominic Believes Nothing is Impossible with Love

"Divide by zero with love!" Dominic shouted. "No excuses! Do it now!"

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Dominic Can't Give an Adequate Explanation to Justify His Purchases

To be fair, though, I don't think anyone could give an adequate justification for buying a T-shirt that says "Fat girls need lovin' too."

"It's meant to be ironic!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Dominic is the Bold Swashbuckler, Sailing the High Seas Aboard His Gallant Ship on a Quest for Grand Adventure

That's one way to describe him. The other way is to say he's a grown man sitting in a cardboard box in the middle of the living room, screaming at the sofa.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dominic's Hobby is Breaking Promises

"Don't put your name on that waiting list!" Dominic shouted. "Your life depends on getting a new kidney, so I'll donate one of mine!"

Monday, July 13, 2009

Dominic is Technically a Cannibal

"Yum! Fingernail clippings!" Dominic shouted. "Nom nom nom!"

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Dominic Declared "No Erasies"

Just moments before the Governor phoned with a stay of execution, Dominic shouted that the prisoner's lethal injection was "stamped," with "no erasies."

Sorry Governor. It doesn't matter what new evidence has come to light at this point. You don't have the authority to override a "no erasies."

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Dominic Knows Now Why You Humans Cry

"But it is something I can never do!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Dominic Made a Mix CD with an Embarrassing Amount of Vonda Shepherd Songs on it

This mix CD is even worse than the one he did last week with the embarrassing amount of Ricky Martin songs.

Monday, July 6, 2009

Dominic Got You a Zune

Gee, thanks. Just what I always wanted... A Zune.

"It's actually just a block of wood with a screen and a button drawn on!" Dominic shouted.

Yeah. Whatever. It's still a Zune.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Dominic is Telling a Long, Boring Story with No Point

"... So then, for a while, I was starting to think that Cannonball Run II was the superior movie of the trilogy!" Dominic shouted. "But then I talked to my priest about it and he told me a lot of points about the first Cannonball Run, and that really got me thinking. So for a couple years after that, I was a fan of the original, and I even got into some screaming matches with people on the subway about it! But then I was talking to this one guy who was telling me that Jackie Chan's martial arts stunts are better in Cannonball Run II, and I was like, 'Jackie Chan?! Don't you mean Rodney Dangerfield!?' And the guy was like, 'No! Rodney Dangerfield isn't in any of the Cannonball Run movies!' And I was like, 'Yes he is! He's a key character in all three! Jackie Chan isn't even in the movies!' And then the guy showed me a scene from Cannonball Run on YouTube, and it had Jackie Chan in it! But I was like, 'Ive never seen that scene before! What does this have to do with golfing?!' And the guy was like, 'The Cannonball Run movies are about an illegal car race, not about golf! You're thinking of Caddyshack!' And so I looked at my DVD collection of the Cannonball Run movies and I realized that they weren't Cannonball Run at all! I had bought three copies of the same movie, Caddyshack, and only thought they were the three different movies in the Cannonball Run trilogy! So then I decided that I had to rent all three movies at once and watch them all in one day to decide which one was better! So I went to Blockbuster Video, and they had the original and the first sequel, but not Cannonball Run III! So I went to the counter to complain, and the clerk tried to sell me this bogus story about the third sequel's title being "Speed Zone"! I got so mad I hurled the two DVDs at him and told him I was going home to write a threatening letter to the president of the company! Then I stormed out, but when I got home I was so drunk I forgot what I was so angry about! All I wanted to do was yell at someone, so instead of writing the letter of complaint to the president of Blockbuster, I drunk-dialed my boss and asked him if he knew anything about Cannonball Run movies and he said he liked the first one but was iffy on the sequels! And that made me really angry because I was so drunk I thought Cannonball Run II was my favorite! I screamed and screamed at him over the phone and threatened to set his house on fire! Then I hung up on him and went into the garage to look for the tank of gasoline! But when I got to the garage, I forgot what I had come in there for, so I..."

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Dominic Finally Got it

"Oooooh... I see it now!" Dominic shouted. "It's called 'Return to Me' because David Duchovny's organ-donor wife's heart 'returns to him' in the body of Minnie Driver, who plays a heart transplant patient!"

You saw that movie, like, eight or nine years ago and you didn't get that until just now?

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Believe His Eyes

"I only believe my sonar sense!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Dominic is Feeling a Little Gassy

"It's probably from eating so many kittens!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Dominic Stared into the Abyss

"What's the matter? You have a staring problem?" asked the abyss. "Knock it off!"

Even the abyss gets creeped out by Dominic's staring.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Dominic has Closed the Door to One Chapter of His Life

"Now I'm lifting the seat to a new chapter!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Dominic Has Stamped Envelopes From Estonia, Macedonia,Portugal, the Azores, Puerto Rico, the Caymans, Paruguay, the Phillipenes, Vietnam, Kenya...

... And many, many other places around the globe.

I asked him if I could have the envelopes so I could steam them and add to my stamp collection.

Dominic shouted, "No! I put them all in a shredder because I don't want you to have them!"

*Sigh* I shouldn't have waited so long to ask him.

Maybe next year, I'll try asking him on Father's Day, when he might be in a better mood.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Dominic Seems to Have an Invisible Touch

"I reach in and grab right hold of your heart!" Dominic shouted.

Wait a minute. How is that an "invisible" touch? That's just killing a guy with some kind of deadly martial arts move.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Dominic is Working Hard to Fit You into His Busy Schedule of Not Caring

"I'll get to you right after I finish leisurely filling in this crossword puzzle with random letters!" Dominic shouted.

"Maybe!"

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Dominic is Calling Himself a Nutritionist

"I want you to eat this jar of minced horseradish!" Dominic shouted. "You have one minute! Go!"

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dominic Keeps Climbing on the Drapes

If you see him, give him a few sprays with the spray bottle. He'll get right down. But you've got to watch him and catch him in the act or else he'll never learn.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Dominic Built a Robot out of Cardboard Boxes, Vacuum Cleaner Attachments, and an Old Tape Cassette Player

"I spent all weekend building this thing and it doesn't work at all!" Dominic shouted. "Why won't you enslave humanity like I programmed you!?"

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Dominic is Really Throwing Himself into His Work

"I can do that now that I don't work with wood chippers anymore!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dominic Always Says "Face Mask" and Never Just "Mask"

Isn't that redundant?

"I don't want you to get confused and think I'm talking about those hand masks!" Dominic shouted, pointing at the gloves.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Dominic is Your Hairstylist

"Do you like Charlie Brown?!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Dominic Wants to be a Dermatologist

"I'm going to gently defoliate your skin with this Agent Orange!" Dominic shouted.

That should be exfoliate, Dominic. Exfoliate.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Dominic is Waxing Eloquent on the Topic of Battle

"The love of battle is the food upon which we live!" Dominic shouted. "The dust of the mêlée is the breath of our nostrils! We live not--we wish not to live--longer than while we are victorious and renowned."

And with that explanation, Dominic resumed stomping hamsters.

Wednesday, June 3, 2009

Dominic Sucks at Similes

"The stand of trees and foliage stood out in the desert like an oasis in a barren land!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Dominic is the Voices in Your Head

"I want you to start setting more fires!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, June 1, 2009

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Dominic Took a Message

"Everything is catching on fire!" says the note Dominic left on your desk.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Dominic is Growing a Mullet

"Don't call it a mullet!" Dominic shouted. "This hairstyle is called a Kentucky Waterfall! Not a mullet!"

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Dominic is Saying That Our True Enemy Has Yet to Reveal Himself

However, I'm pretty sure that guy who was chasing us with a knife was our true enemy.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Dominic Hates Washing Dishes

"It's naughty to fret, but I think washing dishes and keeping things tidy is the worst work in the world! It makes me cross!" Dominic shouted.

Since when did Dominic start talking like that?

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Dominic Has a Question for You

"HOW CAN YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT!?!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Dominic's Favorite Color is Blue

"I'm advancing to the nearest blue square!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Want You as His Wingman

"You're everyone's problem!" Dominic shouted. "That's because every time you go up in the air, you're unsafe! I don't like you because you're dangerous!"

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Dominic Wrote His Doctoral Dissertation on the Thesis that "Best Friends R 2 Good + 2 B = 4 Gotten"

"I always confuse my doctoral dissertation with the annual yearbook signing!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Dominic Thinks He Has a Way to Get Away with Stealing a Car

Dominic shouted, "Anytime you steal a car, you should announce loudly, 'Hey! Is this a free car?! Then, when the cops pull you over for driving a stolen vehicle, act surprised and really disappointed that you can't keep your 'free car!' If they feel sorry enough for you, they might let you keep it!"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Dominic is living in the 80's

"Tabletop nuclear fusion is within our reach!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Dominic Believes Everything He Reads in Dan Brown Novels is Real

"I think it's terrible that the Catholic Church blew up Illuminati founder, Copernicus, using the antimatter bomb developed by Switzerland's CERN laboratory!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Dominic Wants You to Drink Meat Juice

"Look at how much juice I can get from just one steak!" Dominic shouted as he shoved a rib eye into a Jack Lalaine "Juice Man" juicer.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dominic is Darning His Socks

"I darn you, socks!" Dominic shouted into his sock drawer. "I darn you to heck!"

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dominic is Replacing Street Signs That He Believes are Erronious

"This street sign says, 'SLOW HIDDEN DRIVEWAY'!" Dominic shouted. "I'm replacing it with this more accurate sign that says, 'HIDDEN DRIVEWAY DOESN'T MOVE AT ALL'!"

Monday, May 4, 2009

Dominic is Donating Blood

"I don't care how much Fred complains!" Dominic shouted, "I'm donating his blood because I'm such a selfless guy!"

Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dominic Thinks He Can Just Barge in Here and Start Barking Orders Like He's in Charge or Something

The next time Dominic wants to talk to the board, he better make an appointment. >:(

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Dominic is Recommending You Use a One Iron for This Shot

A one iron? But the ball's only a chip shot away from the green! :o

"It's a slow green!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Dominic Has Laryngitis

"I CAN BARELY TALK!!!" Dominic screamed furiously.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Dominic is Shouting That "It's Time to Get Physical!"

"No more of this existing in non-corporeal form!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Dominic Says His Latest Invention "Works Like Magic"

What is Dominic talking about? This invention doesn't work at all.

"Of course not, dummy!" Dominic shouted. "Magic doesn't work either! What are you, five?!"

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Think You're Really Appreciating All of the Nuances of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

"Okay, we're going to start this DVD from the beginning, and we're going to watch it again!" Dominic shouted. "And this time, I want you to pay attention!"

You can struggle against your bonds all you want. You're stuck in that chair.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Dominic Hung Wind Chimes

"Now my archenemy, a light breeze, can never sneak up on me again!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Dominic is Running with Scissors

"My biggest fear is that floating eyeballs will attack me while I'm running!" Dominic shouted. "I never feel safe running unless I know I'm holding something capable of gouging an eyeball!"

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Dominic is Going to Spend Six Months Living on the International Space Station

"I hate astronaut food!" Dominic shouted. "So I'm bringing 900 cans of beans! I'll be living of nothing but canned beans while I'm on the Space Station!"

Um, Dominic, do you realize that you'll be sharing the Space Station with other astronauts in a confined space, breathing recycled air? :(

"It works out to about five cans a day!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Dominic Made a Time Machine... Out of a Toyota Prius?

How lame. Doesn't Dominic know the cardinal rule of building time machines: If you're gonna build a time machine into a car, why not do it with some style?

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Dominic Hates Macaroni Art

Dominic held up the paper plate with bits of dried macaroni glued to it and shouted, "What's this supposed to be?! A smiley face!? It sucks! I hate it!"

Then he threw it on the ground, stomped on it, and handed it back to the kindergartener.

It was a picture of you, Dominic. It was supposed to be a picture of you. :(

Monday, April 13, 2009

Dominic Decided to Play Easter Bunny While You were Asleep

"Except, instead of chicken eggs, I hid fish eggs in your house!" Dominic shouted.

"The best place to hide them was in your vents!" He shouted.

"Then I noticed your house was a little chilly, so I turned the heat way up and left!"

That explains the horrific stench that woke up the entire household on Easter morning. :(

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Dominic is Not Afraid of the Darkness

Dominic opened the closet door and shouted, "I'm not afraid of you!"

Then he quickly shut the closet door before any of the darkness could get out.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Dominic Says He Can Build a Raft to Finally Get Us off this Island

"All I need is for all of you to gather up twenty pontoons, and I'll do the rest!" Dominic shouted.

But this is a desert island! It doesn't have twenty pontoons! :(

"Hey! I'm doing the hard part!" Dominic shouted. "I'm the one who will have to build a whole dang ol' raft! All I'm asking you to do is bring me a lousy twenty pontoons!"

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dominic Has a Shoebox Full of Memories

I asked if I could look inside, and to my horror and disgust, I discovered the box was stuffed with brains. ;P

"Imagine how many memories are in those brains!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Dominic is Getting Angry; Says You Wouldn't Like Him When He's Angry

"I've been exposed to high doses of gamma radiation!" he shouted.

Um, Dominic, exposing yourself to gamma radiation does not really make you turn into the Hulk. It just gives you radiation sickness. :(

"Still!" Dominic shouted. "You wouldn't like it when a guy with radiation sickness gets angry!"

Friday, April 3, 2009

Dominic Threw Caution to the Wind

Caution sustained a concussion and some internal bleeding. However, doctors say he's holding up well and should pull through.

Such a brave little guy, Caution.

Brave little guy.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Dominic Wants to Take You on a Magic Carpet Ride

He bungee corded a Persian rug to the roof of his car and wants you to sit on it while he drives 90 mph down the freeway.

"I can show you the world!" Dominic shouted. "Shining, shimmering, splendid! Tell me, princess, now when did you last let your heart decide?!"

Did that convince you to ride on Dominic's "magic carpet"? No? Dominic keeps on shouting; "A whole new world! A new fantastic point of view! No one to tell us no! Or where to go! Or say we're only dreaming!"

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Dominic is the Greatest Guy Ever... Annnnnd... April Fool!

UPDATE: Yeah. No, seriously, Dominic makes me angry. It's true. This whole post and the new blog design was all April foolery. Except that thing about me starting a new blog. That was true.

What follows is the REAL blog post for April 1, 2009:

I don't feel awful about all the awfully true things I've said on this blog about Dominic. I thought he was just this big jerkface.

But then he goes on his very own Facebook page to promote my actually is true and not an April Fool's joke, new blog, Duck with a Gun. What a nicely self-serving thing to do! Maybe I've not been wrong about him all along!

I guess I'll never have to rethink my purpose on this blog. I'll never not post a bad thing about him again!

Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Dominic Realized That When the Time is 2:52, it Still Reads 25:2 if He Flips His Digital Clock Upside Down

This:



Versus this:



"That's the spookiest thing I've ever seen!" Dominic shouted. "I'm a firm believer in numerology now!"

Monday, March 30, 2009

Dominic Wishes He Had Never Been Born

"I wish I had been spawned instead of birthed!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Dominic Posted a Video on YouTube

"It shows me eating a can of tuna!" Dominic shouted.

I have no idea why he thought people would want to watch that.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Dominic was the Last to Use the Needle Nose Pliers, and Now No One Can Find Them

"I'm sorry! I wish I could help you find the pliers!" Dominic shouted. "But I just don't remember what I did with them when I was done plucking my nose hair!"

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Dominic Has a Photograph of the Best Day of His Life

"The day I met Stalin was the best day ever!" Dominic shouted.



"Stalin said he was going to send me to one of his Gulag camps! I said, 'Oh boy! A real Soviet Gulag!' I'd heard so much about them, and not I was going to see one for real!"

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Dominic is Going to be a Father

"I want to pick a baby name that reflects the baby's personality!" Dominic shouted. "I'm leaning towards 'Extra Toes' if it's a boy, and 'Monobrow' if it's a girl!"

But, what if the baby doesn't have extra toes or a monobrow?

"In that case," Dominic shouted. "Baby's name is 'Cut Out of the Will'!"

Monday, March 23, 2009

Dominic is Flipping Houses

Is he insane? It's not 2005 anymore. Attempting to flip houses in this market is guaranteed to lose money.

"That's okay! I'm using your money to do it!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Dominic is Refusing to Dance with Elizabeth Bennet

Elizabeth Bennet had been obliged, by the scarcity of gentlemen, to sit down for two dances; and during part of that time, Dominic had been standing near enough for her to overhear a conversation between him and Mr. Bingley, who came from the dance for a few minutes to press his friend to join it.

"Come, Dominic," said he, "I must have you dance. I hate to see you standing about by yourself in this stupid manner. You had much better dance."

"I certainly shall not!" Dominic shouted "You know how I detest it, unless I am particularly acquainted with my partner! At such an assembly as this, it would be insupportable! Your sisters are engaged, and there is not another woman in the room whom it would not be a punishment to me to stand up with!"

"I would not be so fastidious as you are," cried Bingley, "for a kingdom! Upon my honour I never met with so many pleasant girls in my life, as I have this evening; and there are several of them, you see, uncommonly pretty."

"You are dancing with the only handsome girl in the room!" Dominic shouted, looking at the eldest Miss Bennet.

"Oh! she is the most beautiful creature I ever beheld! But there is one of her sisters sitting down just behind you, who is very pretty, and I dare say very agreeable. Do let me ask my partner to introduce you."

"Which do you mean?!" Dominic shouted. Turning round, he looked for a moment at Elizabeth, till catching her eye, he withdrew his own and shouted, "She is tolerable! But not handsome enough to tempt me!"

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Dominic Says He Has a Major in Kicking Your Butt

Whatever. Dominic has a major in political science, not kicking your butt.

In fact I seriously doubt that there is any accredited college in the world that even offers a major in kicking your butt.

So, nice try with the threat, Dominic, but I'm not buying it.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Dominic Makes Gengis Kahn Look Like Shirley Temple

Who has that kind of free time where they can spend hours in Photoshop putting golden corkscrew curls on a picture of Gengis Kahn?

Apparantly, Dominic does.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Dominic is Busting Moves

If you have any moves, hide them, or Dominic will totally bust them.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Dominic Only Keeps "Approximate Time"

For example, if it's 6:36, and you ask Dominic what time it is, he'll shout, "It's a quarter til!"

No, Dominic, 6:36 is not a quarter til.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dominic Keeps Screwing Up the PSA Script

It's not that hard. All he has to do is read the script in full, and we put it on the radio and discourage drunk driving.

Here's the script--it's only three sentences:

If you drink, then drive, you put everyone on the road at risk. And you WILL be arrested. So be smart and designate a driver.

That's it. Pretty simple right?

But every time we have Dominic in the studio to record a take, here's what he shouts into the microphone:

If you drink, then DRIVE!

C'mon, Dominic. Read the rest so the studio guys can wrap and go home.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Dominic is Turning State's Evidence Against You

If I know one thing about Dominic, it's that he'd say anything and betray anyone to stay out of prison. :o

Now, I want to be very careful in letting you know that it would be illegal for me to advise you to shred any incriminating documents that Dominic may have told the Feds about.

;)

Monday, March 9, 2009

Dominic Has Gone Too Far

I told Dominic that he could go this far: |----------|

But Dominic goes ahead and goes this far: |----------|----->

Friday, March 6, 2009

Dominic Faked His Own Death

"Everyone thinks I'm dead!" Dominic shouted.

"But really I'm here at Chuck E. Cheese having the time of my life!"

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Dominic is Rating This on a Scale of One to Ten, Specifying "Ten Being the Highest and One Being the Lowest"

Do you really have to specify that, Dominic? Do you really have to point out that ten is the highest and one is the lowest on a scale of one to ten?

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Dominic Inspires People to Believe the Impossible

Today, he "inspired" a guy to sign a written confession for crimes he never could have committed! :o

"It just goes to show you the inspirational power of my torture techniques!" Dominic shouted. ;)

Monday, March 2, 2009

Dominic Bought Beer Using a Fake ID.

Um, Dominic? You're 31. You can just buy beer with your real ID.

UPDATE:


For Ben:



UPDATE II:

Sometimes Dominic uses his "Cowboy ID" to buy cigarettes.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Dominic Says He isn't Racist at All

"I don't have anything against those filthy, filthy Welsh!" he shouted.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dominic Flipped You the Bird

"That's my way of saying 'Hi!'" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dominic Isn't Really There

And that cardboard cutout of him at his desk isn't fooling anyone.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

Dominic is Fighting Fire With Fire

Shooting a flamethrower at the burning building doesn't seem to be doing much good, but Dominic just keeps on at it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Dominic Only Wants to Think About Himself

"Oh no!" Dominic shouted. "I'm thinking about Benjamin Disraeli right now!"

He turned and slammed his forehead furiously against the wall five times.

"Phew, that's better!" Dominic shouted. "Now I'm thinking about myself again!"

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dominic is Shouting That You Can't Handle the Truth

"Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns!" Dominic shouted. "Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! You weep for Santiago and curse Carfax; you have that luxury! You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall! We use words like honor, code, loyalty! At Carfax, we use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something! You use them as a punchline! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom Carfax provides and then questions the manner in which Carfax provides it! I would rather you just said 'thank you,' and went on your way! Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post! Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!" ;)

Wow. That was quite a speech. Dominic sure takes his job at Carfax seriously.

It still doesn't explain why he ordered the code red on Santiago.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dominic is Facing the Biggest Challenge of His Life

"This cage match is going to pit me against fifteen five-year olds!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dominic Believes that All You Need is Love

"You can't have food or water anymore!" Dominic shouted at his prisoner. "You're hogging a bunch of love, I can tell!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Dominic Had a Tree Planted in Jerusalem in Your Name

"That makes up for my active participation in Hitler's Nazi Germany back in 1941 through 1945!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Dominic Cut Wind and Then Blamed it on You

He was very convincing. Everyone else on the elevator believed him.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dominic Made Us All Look Like Fools

First he painted our faces with clown makeup. Next he dressed us up in motley tights. Then, as a finishing touch, he afixed those jingle-bell hats to our heads.

I wish at least one of us had woken up while he was doing all this. >:[

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dominic is Thinking of Buying a New House

"I could fill it with thousands of snakes!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dominic Thinks that the Sun is Trying to Kill Him with UV Rays

"I've got a plan to kill the sun first!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Dominic Says He's Going to Bring Back the Skin-Tight, "Painted On" Jeans Look

"The only problem with wearing these," Dominic shouted, "is that it's hard to run from the cops!"

Friday, February 6, 2009

Dominic Isn't Playing by the Rules

You can't win Stratego by pulling a gun on your opponent, Dominic

"Shut up! I'm making my own rules now!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dominic Rented a U-Haul Truck

"I lure hobos in the back and then slam the door shut on them!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Dominic Bought a String of Convenience Stores

They don't turn much of a profit and some even operate at a loss. :o

"That's okay because I only need them for laundering money!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dominic Has a Job for You

“I’m going to make you my new whipping boy!” Dominic shouted.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Dominic Refuses to Believe that Dolphins are Mammals

I've never seen Dominic like this. He is shrieking with rage at the program that's showing on Animal Planet. There are actual tears streaming down his beet-red face.

"Dolphins are NOT mammals, you MORONS!!!" he's screaming. "Bears are mammals!!! Donkeys are mammals!!! Does a dolphin look like a donkey to you!?! NO!!! It looks like a FISH!!! Because dolphins are FISH!!! You are either lying or just stupid, Animal Planet!!! Either way, you deserve to DIE!!! I'm going to KILL you!!! KILL!!!!! They're FISH!!! FISH!!!!!! FIIIIIIIIISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That's an exact quote of what he's screaming at the TV right now.

I decide to go outside, and just out of curiosity, I walk down to the end of the block. Unbelievable. I can hear his shrieking at the TV all the way out here. So I decide to time him. He goes on screaming for eleven minutes, thirty-two seconds.

Now it's completely silent, so I go back inside to check on Dominic.

There he is, curled up on the floor in front of the TV, fast asleep.

Friday, January 30, 2009

Dominic is Not Being Very Patient

"Allow 6 to 8 weeks for overseas delivery!?" Dominic shouted at the online order form.

"But I want to get trashed on absinthe right now!"

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Dominic Should Not be Allowed to Order Pizza for the Group

He asked for masking tape as one of the toppings.

"It's an acquired taste!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Dominic Wanted Me to Look at His Wedding Photos

I missed Dominic's wedding because I was out of town. However, Dominic let me see the wedding photos once he got them back from the photographer.

"Did you notice that I'm the only one doing the Lynndie England 'thumbs up' pose in every single picture!?" Dominic shouted.

Yes, Dominic, that was the very first thing I noticed about these photos.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dominic is Stalking You

Quick! Look out your window! He's peering in at you right now!

...

Dang! You just missed him! :o

Monday, January 26, 2009

Dominic Complains About Everything

“Are you still alive?!” Dominic shouted.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Dominic is Cooking Chinese Stir-Fry

Coincidentally, no one's seen your cat in the last two hours.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Dominic is Soundproofing His Basement

"I have to keep actor Paul Sorvino trapped down here for six months!" Dominic shouted.

Why six months?

And why Paul Sorvino?

You know what? Forget I asked... I probably don't even want to know. ;P

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Dominic Thinks He's Got an Improvement on the Atkins Diet

"Instead of avoiding carbs, you avoid protein!" Dominic shouted. "You can eat as much of any food you want, so long as it contains absolutely no protein!"

I'm pretty sure that diet will eventually kill you. :(

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Dominic Delivered the Eulogy

Dominic stood at the lectern and shouted, “Who is this jackass?! Are you sure I know him!?”

Then he shouted, “I’m ordering a pizza later on! Does anyone want anything from the pizza place?! They have cheesy bread sticks!”

Monday, January 19, 2009

Dominic Says the Imperial Senate Will No Longer Be of Any Concern to Us

"I have just received word that the Emperor has dissolved the council permanently!" Dominic shouted.

Have the last remnants of the Old Republic been swept away? Impossible. How will the Emperor maintain control without the bureaucracy?

"The regional governors now have direct control over their territories!" Dominic shouted. "Fear will keep the local systems in line! Fear of this battle station!"

Okay, Dominic, if you say so. Just so long as there are no exploitable weaknesses in this battle station. ;)

Friday, January 16, 2009

Dominic Decided That He is Too Old to Have a Magic Unicorn Friend

Everyone loved Dominic's magic unicorn friend, Starfire. And Starfire loved us all in return. Starfire's favorite thing to was to magically appear in the cancer wing of the local children's hospital and fill the child cancer patients with hope and joy.

But most of all, Starfire loved Dominic. Oh, the adventures they would go on! Through thick and thin, they built a friendship that was as enduring as the sun and mountains. Starfire's loyalty to Dominic was legendary. What stories could be told!

Then, the other day, Dominic said he was getting too old to have a magic unicorn friend. So he slaughtered Starfire by crushing Starfire's skull with a fifteen pound hammer. Then Dominic sold the carcass to a processing plant where magical Starfire was ground into bone meal.

Guess ya can't win 'em all, Starfire. :(

Thursday, January 15, 2009

Dominic is Selling His Appendix on EBay

"You can't have me hanging out with you all the time," Dominic shouted, "but now you can have a little piece of me preserved in formaldehyde in a jar that you can take wherever you go! It will be just like I'm right there with you!"

Well, not quite like that. An appendix in a jar cannot scream obscenities and verbally abuse you randomly.

"No problem!" Dominic shouted. "I'll make a tape recording of that and include it with the shipping!"

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Dominic is Giving You Bad Stock Tips

Dominic called up everyone he knows today and told them to put all their money in Pan Am Airlines.

"I've done the research, and I'm very bullish on Pan Am right now!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Monday, January 12, 2009

Dominic Can't Solve the Riddle of Steel

Crom is going to cast Dominic out of Valhalla and laugh at him! :D

Crom is strong on his mountain!

Friday, January 9, 2009

Dominic Failed Us in Our Hour of Greatest Need

"I was busy playing video games!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Dominic Returned Your Car After Borrowing It

"Hope you don't mind," Dominic shouted. "There's some slight inferno damage to the body and interior!"

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Dominic is Leaving Passive-Aggressive Notes on Your Cubicle

This one says,

Just a polite and friendly note to ask you, could you PLEASE do me a huge favor and at least TRY to not be such a disgusting sack of garbage? I would REALLY appreciate that SO MUCH!!!!! I'm sick of putting up with it, and so are a bunch of other people I talked to. I don't know if you realize this, but other people have to share this office with you, so you really ought to take some time to think about COMMON COURTESY!!!!!!

YOU ARE NOT IN THE FIRST GRADE ANYMORE SO PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE STOP ACTING LIKE IT!!!!!! Could you please do that for me? If you could, THANKS!

–Yours Sincerely, Dominic

I hate that fake "polite" tone of passive-aggressive notes.

And are the all caps and exclamation points really necessary?

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Dominic Doesn't Understand Cooking Terminology

I'm not even going to tell you what Dominic thought I wanted him to do when I told him to "french the rack of lamb."

Monday, January 5, 2009

Dominic Edited the Wikipedia Article About You

Now Wikipedia descibes you as a drug addict and a pervert. :o

You might want to go online and change that before your parents read it.

They believe everything they read on the Internets.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Dominic Wonders, "Will All Great Neptune’s Ocean Wash this Blood Clean from My Hand?"

No; his hand will the multitudinous seas incarnadine, making the green one red. :(