Thursday, July 2, 2009
Dominic is Telling a Long, Boring Story with No Point
"... So then, for a while, I was starting to think that Cannonball Run II was the superior movie of the trilogy!" Dominic shouted. "But then I talked to my priest about it and he told me a lot of points about the first Cannonball Run, and that really got me thinking. So for a couple years after that, I was a fan of the original, and I even got into some screaming matches with people on the subway about it! But then I was talking to this one guy who was telling me that Jackie Chan's martial arts stunts are better in Cannonball Run II, and I was like, 'Jackie Chan?! Don't you mean Rodney Dangerfield!?' And the guy was like, 'No! Rodney Dangerfield isn't in any of the Cannonball Run movies!' And I was like, 'Yes he is! He's a key character in all three! Jackie Chan isn't even in the movies!' And then the guy showed me a scene from Cannonball Run on YouTube, and it had Jackie Chan in it! But I was like, 'Ive never seen that scene before! What does this have to do with golfing?!' And the guy was like, 'The Cannonball Run movies are about an illegal car race, not about golf! You're thinking of Caddyshack!' And so I looked at my DVD collection of the Cannonball Run movies and I realized that they weren't Cannonball Run at all! I had bought three copies of the same movie, Caddyshack, and only thought they were the three different movies in the Cannonball Run trilogy! So then I decided that I had to rent all three movies at once and watch them all in one day to decide which one was better! So I went to Blockbuster Video, and they had the original and the first sequel, but not Cannonball Run III! So I went to the counter to complain, and the clerk tried to sell me this bogus story about the third sequel's title being "Speed Zone"! I got so mad I hurled the two DVDs at him and told him I was going home to write a threatening letter to the president of the company! Then I stormed out, but when I got home I was so drunk I forgot what I was so angry about! All I wanted to do was yell at someone, so instead of writing the letter of complaint to the president of Blockbuster, I drunk-dialed my boss and asked him if he knew anything about Cannonball Run movies and he said he liked the first one but was iffy on the sequels! And that made me really angry because I was so drunk I thought Cannonball Run II was my favorite! I screamed and screamed at him over the phone and threatened to set his house on fire! Then I hung up on him and went into the garage to look for the tank of gasoline! But when I got to the garage, I forgot what I had come in there for, so I..."