Dominic is Starting His Own Business.

Dominic has opened a new office on a busy road. "Tarot Card Reading!!! I can solve all of your problems!" the bright neon sign shouts.

Is Dominic even board certified? I'm pretty sure those are Old Maid cards.

Dominic Claims He Knows How to Get High

Dominic insisted that he can get high from eating an entire jar of peanut butter. "I'll prove it!" shouted Dominic. But half way through, he fell fast asleep.

I guess you really can get high by eating a jar of peanut butter.

Dominic Says There is a Perfectly Good Explanation

"But I don't need to tell you!" shouted Dominic, as he hobbled away.

I guess he isn't ready to tell me how he got that cloven foot.

Dominic Encouraged Unity Among the People

"They were being chaotic and disorderly, so I sprayed glue all over the whole rally!" Dominic shouted. "I am the architect of unity!"

That was by far the worst church picnic ever.

Dominic Invited Me to Lunch for My Brirthday

Dominic said that he was going to take me to lunch on Saturday. After he picked me up, he shouted, "I have to make a quick stop! I have to go to the DMV to get a new driver's license!"

We never made it to lunch that day.

Dominic's New Hobby is Shrieking

"You'd better drive!" Dominic shouted. "I'm going to work on my hobby the whole time in the car!"

This is going to be the worst Virginia-to-Las Vegas road trip ever.

Dominic Hates Second Hand Smoke

"Hack! Argh! Cough!" Dominic shouted. "This second hand smoke is KILLING me!"

Um Dominic? You just "quit" smoking 20 minutes ago when you took the last drag of your last cigarette and announced that you had quit smoking. I'm pretty sure that's too recent for second hand smoke to bother you.

Written by Angela G. 

Dominic Wrote A Controversial Song

"All my songs are performed by the new music group The Taliband and are perfectly executed!'" Dominic shouted.

I thought his song "al-Qaholic in de-Nile" was kinda catchy, but "No sleep til Punjab" is probably a copyright infringement.

Written by Dominc

Dominic Organized You Papers

"I filed everything chronologically!" Dominic shouted. 

That might work. Go on.

"The first paper in the filing cabinet drawer is the first paper I put in the filing cabinet. At the very back of the bottom drawer is the last piece of paper I put in the filing cabinet!"

Nevermind. That won't work.

Submitted by Dominic 

Dominic Could Have Made It

"I just didn't want you to think that I was faking again! Bwarfwaggggloppppr!!" Dominic shouted as he threw up on my shoes.

Dominic could have made it to the bathroom.

Dominic Just Needs Someone to Talk To

Dominic keeps calling and keeping me on the phone for hours.

"I can't decide what my favorite color is! Lavender or Lilac!" Dominic shouted. "I just love them both so much!"

This really doesn't warrant middle of the night phone calls.

Dominic Says He's Getting in Touch with His Inner Gangster

He's changed all of the vowels in his name to Numbers.

D0m1n1c

Dominic is Driving with his Visor Down

"I drive with my visor down, so I can't see the traffic lights!" Dominic shouted. "If I can't see them, they don't count!"

Dominic Came to my Lecture

Dominic came to show his support during my lecture. He sat in the first row and made faces at me the entire time. The air horn was particularly distracting.

Dominic is Saying a Novena for a New Job

Dominic is saying a novena for a new job, specifically, my job.

Dominic Had an Easy Commute

Dominic orange-coned the left lane. He was able to take the special Dominic Lane on the way home from work, which took him 45 minutes less than it usually does.

...but it took me an extra 45 minutes.

Dominic Ordered a Complicated Drink at a Crowded Bar

"First, you take 5/8 of a shot of Sour Apple Pucker and shake it 23 times, then you take 3 and 7/52 parts of Captain Morgan's spiced Rum and set it on fire for four and a half seconds, then you pour the sour apple pucker over a spoon over the rum, then you put 5 13/49 parts of jagermeister and then stir it 39 times. Then you garish with pickles and 12 marshmallows!" Dominic shouted.

Then Dominic downed the entire drink and shouted, "That was the worst Captain Puckermeister I've ever had! Do it again! This time don't screw it up!"

I had to wait at least 20 minutes before I could order my drink.

Dominic Cheated on his Taxes

Dominic told the IRS that he made twice as much money, than he actually did.

"I had to claim your children, to keep my taxes down!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic was Cut out of Granny's Will

Dominic seemed unusually calm during the reading of Granny's will. He didn't even get upset when it was reveled that all of Granny's possessions and money were going to The Institute for World Dominication.

And to think I was afraid that Dominic had tampered with the will.

Dominic Keeps Calling Your Landlady

Dominic called the landlady to complain about your lawn again and now she's hopping mad.

I think he did it because he knew I was away this weekend and would have to pay him to mow it.

"It's called exploitation!" Dominic shouted.