Saturday, December 8, 2012

Dominic is Standing Up for His Rights

Dominic is suing his book club for Human Rights violations. 

"It's a my right to choose 50 Shades of Gray!"  Dominic shouted. 

But Dominic, you've never actually attended book club. 

Monday, December 3, 2012

Dominic Took Revenge.

"This will teach you to spit up on my new tee shirt!"  Dominic shouted as he slashed the tires on his son's stroller.  

Monday, November 19, 2012

Dominic Took a Spill

Dominic knew the entire nation was waiting for the election returns from his district before the election could be called.  They were almost done counting the ballet when Dominic "tripped" and knocked over all 536,084 ballets and they all had to be counted all over again. 

I had to stay up for 4:00 AM to find out who won the election.  

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Dominic Might "Win" on Iron Chef

Dominic took the ingredients and made an unforgettable soufflé, but the judges unanimously decided that it was just awful. 
"Yes, that's the ammonia. It cleanses the palate!" Dominic shouted. "Now who's the big winner!?!?"

Friday, September 21, 2012

Dominic Loves His New Ambiguous Job Description

St. Vincent's Home of Sad Orphans should have been more clear about what kind of help they were looking for when asking for volunteers.  

Apparently Dominic thinks the orphanage was looking for a volunteer to raid the fridge and break all the toys.  

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Dominic Studied for His Exam

"I got a perfect score!" Dominic shouted. "I stayed up all night studying and completely blew away my optometrist!  Now I don't have to wear these unsightly glasses anymore!"

Dominic, I don't think cheating on your eye exam is going to help you.

"I didn't cheat!  I studied!!!!!!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Dominic Won't Eat the Nice Sandwich I made for Him

"I hate crusts on sandwiches!" Dominic shouted. "I'm not eating it until you cut all the crust off!"

But, Dominic, I made the sandwich on a sub roll.

"So!?" Dominic shouted. "Just use a carrot peeler!"

Sunday, June 17, 2012

Dominic is Giving a Safety First Lecture

"As a pedestrian, you always have the right of way!  There's no need to look both ways!" Dominic shouted.  "Looking both ways will make you appear weak!  Looking weak led to more pedestrian deaths in 2011 then it did it 2010!  It's an epidemic!!!"

Dominic couldn't site the source of his statistic.  Making up statistics is very unprofessional and I spent a lot of money to attend this conference.

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Dominic is Sorry He Broke a Coffee Mug

"I accidentally broke the handle off of a mug from your new matching set of coffee mugs!"  Dominic shouted.  "I am so sorry!" he sobbed, "I tried to replace it, but they only sell them in sets of 2, so I broke off the handles on all the other mugs, so at least they will still match!"

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Dominic Let You Think for a Moment that You were Finally Free

"Ha! Ha!" Dominic shouted. "I just put your cage inside a larger prison!"

Monday, May 14, 2012

Dominic's New Hobby is Shaving Cats

"Now you're aerodynamic, Colonel Whiskers!!" Dominic shouted. "Fly! Be free!"

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Dominic Threatened to Sick His Army on Me

"I've been growing an army and they are almost ready for battle!" Dominic shouted.  ''They have been trained to show no mercy!"  

Actually, Dominic's sunflower army is a little bit menacing.  

Monday, May 7, 2012

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"This is not a statement so long as I end it with a question mark!?" Dominic shouted

Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dominic is Making Feeble Excuses

"That was your goldfish?!" Dominic shouted. "I'm so sorry! I thought it was a bag of microwave popcorn!"

"Lots of people I know keep their popcorn in a fishbowl, so it was an honest mistake!"

On a related topic, someone's gotta clean out the microwave now, 'cause you know Dominic isn't going to.

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Dominic Organized a Scavenger Hunt

"I get 75% of everything you find!!!" Dominic shouted at the participating children. "You have to dig up the treasures!! They are buried in front of the stone coffins!"

Saturday, April 28, 2012

Dominic Asked About My Trip to the Library

I told Dominic that the Silmarillion was checked out, so I got something else.

Dominic then shouted, "I can't believe that in this city's huge library network, all 37 copies of Silmarillion have been taken out! Someone must have driven to every single library to get them! It must have taken them four hours and twenty minutes and an entire tank of gas!"

How did Dominic know that the city library network owns 37 copies of the Silmarillion? I guess I should have known better than to tell him what I was planning on borrowing from the library.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Dominic is Giving Legal Advice

"Watching me do this makes you an accessory after the fact!" Dominic shouted as he put the cop car in neutral and rolled it into the swamp.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Dominic Used the Word "Mullioned" Just so Everyone Would Know that he Knew what Mullioned Windows Are

"Ha! Ha!" Dominic shouted. "That guy sure is bleeding a lot after I threw him through those mullioned windows!"

Friday, April 20, 2012

Dominic is Giving Legal Advice

"Don't accuse me of blackmailing you!" Dominic shouted. "I'm extorting you! There's a difference!"

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Dominic Put My Step Ladder Away.

Dominic put my step ladder up really high. Now, how am I supposed to get that down.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

Dominic Upgraded Your Instrument

"I put viola strings on your violin! Now you can play much lower!" Dominic shouted

I wish he had told me that before my humiliating quartet performance at my sister's wedding.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Dominic Came Up with a Storage Solution

"I gave all of your books to the library!" Dominic shouted. "Now you can just check them out anytime you need them."

Well, actually, the library sold everything except for the photo albums. Those were thrown out.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Dominic is Showing You his Gun Collection

"Check out my new Glock!" Dominic shouted. "Be sure to get your fingerprints all over it!"

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Dominic Was Using the Microwave

All the children were looking forward to eating their favorite Easter treat, Peeps; however, Dominic got up very early and microwaved all of them until they exploded. "The Purple ones are the most flammable!" Dominic shouted.

I don't think all of those layers of burnt marshmallow are going to come off.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Dominic is Giving Legal Advice

"What I'm doing right now is completely illegal!" Dominic shouted as he poured gasoline over his company's financial records.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Dominic Shaved Your Head

"You're such a sound sleeper!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Dominic is Trying to Convince You to get a Facial Tattoo

"It will make up for your lack of an interesting personality!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Dominic Wants to Play "Snakes on a Plane"

"I don't have any snakes or a plane, so we'll just have to make-believe with your minivan filled ankle deep with nightcrawlers!" Dominic shouted.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Dominic Started a French Language School

"“Répéte après moi, classe!” Dominic Shouted

Nous avons seulement un capo , Dominic!!!

Nous sommes chanceux pour avoir Dominic car notre Capo et lui nous donne la joie pour faire son offrir!!!

Je voudrais sacrifier ma vie pour Dominic, le Capo!!!

I can't believe what he is teaching those kids. Clearly "Capo" is "leader" in Italian and not French, which would be "le chef" and he's shouting as if it were German. What a jerk.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Dominic is Giving Legal Advice

"Fifty bucks is a good offer to a cop to get out of a speeding ticket!" Dominic shouted. "But judges tend to be much more pricey. If I were you, I'd offer him at least three hundred!"

Dominic, you shouldn't be shouting that in court. We're sitting just a few paces away from the judge.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Dominic Demands to Know Why

"I demand to know why you would bring a plate of empty cannoli shells to the party!" Dominic shouted.

I think we all know what happened to the cannoli filling.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Dominic Suggested We Go On An Adventure

Dominic suggested that we follow the rainbow to the pot of gold together. I told Dominic that I just had to go to the bathroom and then I'd be ready. When I came out, Dominic was peeling out and shouted, "See You Later, Sucker!"

Then I noticed that he had slashed my tires, so I couldn't follow him.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Dominic Told Me I was Doomed

Dominic told me that I was doomed. "You're Doomed!" Dominic shouted.

Then he put omens all around my house, so that I would believe him.

He knows how much I hate omens.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Dominic is Starting His Own Business.

Dominic has opened a new office on a busy road. "Tarot Card Reading!!! I can solve all of your problems!" the bright neon sign shouts.

Is Dominic even board certified? I'm pretty sure those are Old Maid cards.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

Dominic Claims He Knows How to Get High

Dominic insisted that he can get high from eating an entire jar of peanut butter. "I'll prove it!" shouted Dominic. But half way through, he fell fast asleep.

I guess you really can get high by eating a jar of peanut butter.

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Dominic Says There is a Perfectly Good Explanation

"But I don't need to tell you!" shouted Dominic, as he hobbled away.

I guess he isn't ready to tell me how he got that cloven foot.

Sunday, February 26, 2012

Dominic Encouraged Unity Among the People

"They were being chaotic and disorderly, so I sprayed glue all over the whole rally!" Dominic shouted. "I am the architect of unity!"
That was by far the worst church picnic ever.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Dominic Invited Me to Lunch for My Birthday

Dominic said that he was going to take me to lunch on Saturday. After he picked me up, he shouted, "I have to make a quick stop! I have to go to the DMV to get a new driver's license!"

We never made it to lunch that day.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Dominic's New Hobby is Shrieking

"You'd better drive!" Dominic shouted. "I'm going to work on my hobby the whole time in the car!"

This is going to be the worst Virginia-to-Las Vegas road trip ever.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Dominic Hates Second Hand Smoke

"Hack! Argh! Cough!" Dominic shouted. "This second hand smoke is KILLING me!"

Um Dominic? You just "quit" smoking 20 minutes ago when you took the last drag of your last cigarette and announced that you had quit smoking. I'm pretty sure that's too recent for second hand smoke to bother you.

Written by Angela G. 

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Dominic Wrote A Controversial Song

"All my songs are performed by the new music group The Taliband and are perfectly executed!'" Dominic shouted.

I thought his song "al-Qaholic in de-Nile" was kinda catchy, but "No sleep til Punjab" is probably a copyright infringement.

Written by Dominc

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

Dominic Organized Your Papers

"I filed everything chronologically!" Dominic shouted. 

That might work. Go on.

"The first paper in the filing cabinet drawer is the first paper I put in the filing cabinet. At the very back of the bottom drawer is the last piece of paper I put in the filing cabinet!"

Nevermind. That won't work.

Submitted by Dominic 

Sunday, January 29, 2012

Dominic Could Have Made It

"I just didn't want you to think that I was faking again! Bwarfwaggggloppppr!!" Dominic shouted as he threw up on my shoes.

Dominic could have made it to the bathroom.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Dominic Just Needs Someone to Talk To

Dominic keeps calling and keeping me on the phone for hours.

"I can't decide what my favorite color is! Lavender or Lilac!" Dominic shouted. "I just love them both so much!"

This really doesn't warrant middle of the night phone calls.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Dominic Says He's Getting in Touch with His Inner Gangster

He's changed all of the vowels in his name to Numbers.


Monday, January 9, 2012

Dominic is Driving with his Visor Down

"I drive with my visor down, so I can't see the traffic lights!" Dominic shouted. "If I can't see them, they don't count!"

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Dominic Came to my Lecture

Dominic came to show his support during my lecture. He sat in the first row and made faces at me the entire time. The air horn was particularly distracting.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dominic is Saying a Novena for a New Job

Dominic is saying a novena for a new job, specifically, my job.

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Dominic Had an Easy Commute

Dominic orange-coned the left lane. He was able to take the special Dominic Lane on the way home from work, which took him 45 minutes less than it usually does.

...but it took me an extra 45 minutes.

Sunday, January 1, 2012

Dominic Ordered a Complicated Drink at a Crowded Bar

"First, you take 5/8 of a shot of Sour Apple Pucker and shake it 23 times, then you take 3 and 7/52 parts of Captain Morgan's spiced Rum and set it on fire for four and a half seconds, then you pour the sour apple pucker over a spoon over the rum, then you put 5 13/49 parts of jagermeister and then stir it 39 times. Then you garish with pickles and 12 marshmallows!" Dominic shouted.
Then Dominic downed the entire drink and shouted, "That was the worst Captain Puckermeister I've ever had! Do it again! This time don't screw it up!"

I had to wait at least 20 minutes before I could order my drink.