Friday, February 27, 2009

Dominic Says He isn't Racist at All

"I don't have anything against those filthy, filthy Welsh!" he shouted.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Dominic Flipped You the Bird

"That's my way of saying 'Hi!'" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Dominic Isn't Really There

And that cardboard cutout of him at his desk isn't fooling anyone.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Monday, February 23, 2009

Dominic is Fighting Fire With Fire

Shooting a flamethrower at the burning building doesn't seem to be doing much good, but Dominic just keeps on at it.

Friday, February 20, 2009

Dominic Only Wants to Think About Himself

"Oh no!" Dominic shouted. "I'm thinking about Benjamin Disraeli right now!"

He turned and slammed his forehead furiously against the wall five times.

"Phew, that's better!" Dominic shouted. "Now I'm thinking about myself again!"

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Dominic is Shouting That You Can't Handle the Truth

"Son, we live in a world that has walls and those walls need to be guarded by men with guns!" Dominic shouted. "Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinberg? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! You weep for Santiago and curse Carfax; you have that luxury! You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives and that my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall! We use words like honor, code, loyalty! At Carfax, we use then as the backbone of a life trying to defend something! You use them as a punchline! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom Carfax provides and then questions the manner in which Carfax provides it! I would rather you just said 'thank you,' and went on your way! Otherwise, I suggest that you pick up a weapon and stand a post! Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!" ;)

Wow. That was quite a speech. Dominic sure takes his job at Carfax seriously.

It still doesn't explain why he ordered the code red on Santiago.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Dominic is Facing the Biggest Challenge of His Life

"This cage match is going to pit me against fifteen five-year olds!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Dominic Believes that All You Need is Love

"You can't have food or water anymore!" Dominic shouted at his prisoner. "You're hogging a bunch of love, I can tell!"

Monday, February 16, 2009

Dominic Had a Tree Planted in Jerusalem in Your Name

"That makes up for my active participation in Hitler's Nazi Germany back in 1941 through 1945!" Dominic shouted.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Dominic Cut Wind and Then Blamed it on You

He was very convincing. Everyone else on the elevator believed him.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Dominic Made Us All Look Like Fools

First he painted our faces with clown makeup. Next he dressed us up in motley tights. Then, as a finishing touch, he afixed those jingle-bell hats to our heads.

I wish at least one of us had woken up while he was doing all this. >:[

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Dominic is Thinking of Buying a New House

"I could fill it with thousands of snakes!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Dominic Thinks that the Sun is Trying to Kill Him with UV Rays

"I've got a plan to kill the sun first!" Dominic shouted.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Dominic Says He's Going to Bring Back the Skin-Tight, "Painted On" Jeans Look

"The only problem with wearing these," Dominic shouted, "is that it's hard to run from the cops!"

Friday, February 6, 2009

Dominic Isn't Playing by the Rules

You can't win Stratego by pulling a gun on your opponent, Dominic

"Shut up! I'm making my own rules now!" Dominic shouted.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Dominic Rented a U-Haul Truck

"I lure hobos in the back and then slam the door shut on them!" Dominic shouted.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Dominic Bought a String of Convenience Stores

They don't turn much of a profit and some even operate at a loss. :o

"That's okay because I only need them for laundering money!" Dominic shouted.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Dominic Has a Job for You

“I’m going to make you my new whipping boy!” Dominic shouted.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Dominic Refuses to Believe that Dolphins are Mammals

I've never seen Dominic like this. He is shrieking with rage at the program that's showing on Animal Planet. There are actual tears streaming down his beet-red face.

"Dolphins are NOT mammals, you MORONS!!!" he's screaming. "Bears are mammals!!! Donkeys are mammals!!! Does a dolphin look like a donkey to you!?! NO!!! It looks like a FISH!!! Because dolphins are FISH!!! You are either lying or just stupid, Animal Planet!!! Either way, you deserve to DIE!!! I'm going to KILL you!!! KILL!!!!! They're FISH!!! FISH!!!!!! FIIIIIIIIISH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That's an exact quote of what he's screaming at the TV right now.

I decide to go outside, and just out of curiosity, I walk down to the end of the block. Unbelievable. I can hear his shrieking at the TV all the way out here. So I decide to time him. He goes on screaming for eleven minutes, thirty-two seconds.

Now it's completely silent, so I go back inside to check on Dominic.

There he is, curled up on the floor in front of the TV, fast asleep.