Dominic is Telling a Long, Boring Story with No Point

"... So then, for a while, I was starting to think that Cannonball Run II was the superior movie of the trilogy!" Dominic shouted. "But then I talked to my priest about it and he told me a lot of points about the first Cannonball Run, and that really got me thinking. So for a couple years after that, I was a fan of the original, and I even got into some screaming matches with people on the subway about it! But then I was talking to this one guy who was telling me that Jackie Chan's martial arts stunts are better in Cannonball Run II, and I was like, 'Jackie Chan?! Don't you mean Rodney Dangerfield!?' And the guy was like, 'No! Rodney Dangerfield isn't in any of the Cannonball Run movies!' And I was like, 'Yes he is! He's a key character in all three! Jackie Chan isn't even in the movies!' And then the guy showed me a scene from Cannonball Run on YouTube, and it had Jackie Chan in it! But I was like, 'Ive never seen that scene before! What does this have to do with golfing?!' And the guy was like, 'The Cannonball Run movies are about an illegal car race, not about golf! You're thinking of Caddyshack!' And so I looked at my DVD collection of the Cannonball Run movies and I realized that they weren't Cannonball Run at all! I had bought three copies of the same movie, Caddyshack, and only thought they were the three different movies in the Cannonball Run trilogy! So then I decided that I had to rent all three movies at once and watch them all in one day to decide which one was better! So I went to Blockbuster Video, and they had the original and the first sequel, but not Cannonball Run III! So I went to the counter to complain, and the clerk tried to sell me this bogus story about the third sequel's title being "Speed Zone"! I got so mad I hurled the two DVDs at him and told him I was going home to write a threatening letter to the president of the company! Then I stormed out, but when I got home I was so drunk I forgot what I was so angry about! All I wanted to do was yell at someone, so instead of writing the letter of complaint to the president of Blockbuster, I drunk-dialed my boss and asked him if he knew anything about Cannonball Run movies and he said he liked the first one but was iffy on the sequels! And that made me really angry because I was so drunk I thought Cannonball Run II was my favorite! I screamed and screamed at him over the phone and threatened to set his house on fire! Then I hung up on him and went into the garage to look for the tank of gasoline! But when I got to the garage, I forgot what I had come in there for, so I..."

Dominic Finally Got it

"Oooooh... I see it now!" Dominic shouted. "It's called 'Return to Me' because David Duchovny's organ-donor wife's heart 'returns to him' in the body of Minnie Driver, who plays a heart transplant patient!"

You saw that movie, like, eight or nine years ago and you didn't get that until just now?

Dominic Doesn't Believe His Eyes

"I only believe my sonar sense!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic is Feeling a Little Gassy

"It's probably from eating so many kittens!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Stared into the Abyss

"What's the matter? You have a staring problem?" asked the abyss. "Knock it off!"

Even the abyss gets creeped out by Dominic's staring.

Dominic has Closed the Door to One Chapter of His Life

"Now I'm lifting the seat to a new chapter!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Has Stamped Envelopes From Estonia, Macedonia,Portugal, the Azores, Puerto Rico, the Caymans, Paruguay, the Phillipenes, Vietnam, Kenya...

... And many, many other places around the globe.

I asked him if I could have the envelopes so I could steam them and add to my stamp collection.

Dominic shouted, "No! I put them all in a shredder because I don't want you to have them!"

*Sigh* I shouldn't have waited so long to ask him.

Maybe next year, I'll try asking him on Father's Day, when he might be in a better mood.

Dominic Seems to Have an Invisible Touch

"I reach in and grab right hold of your heart!" Dominic shouted.

Wait a minute. How is that an "invisible" touch? That's just killing a guy with some kind of deadly martial arts move.

Dominic is Working Hard to Fit You into His Busy Schedule of Not Caring

"I'll get to you right after I finish leisurely filling in this crossword puzzle with random letters!" Dominic shouted.

"Maybe!"

Dominic is Calling Himself a Nutritionist

"I want you to eat this jar of minced horseradish!" Dominic shouted. "You have one minute! Go!"

Dominic Keeps Climbing on the Drapes

If you see him, give him a few sprays with the spray bottle. He'll get right down. But you've got to watch him and catch him in the act or else he'll never learn.

Dominic Built a Robot out of Cardboard Boxes, Vacuum Cleaner Attachments, and an Old Tape Cassette Player

"I spent all weekend building this thing and it doesn't work at all!" Dominic shouted. "Why won't you enslave humanity like I programmed you!?"

Dominic is Really Throwing Himself into His Work

"I can do that now that I don't work with wood chippers anymore!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Always Says "Face Mask" and Never Just "Mask"

Isn't that redundant?

"I don't want you to get confused and think I'm talking about those hand masks!" Dominic shouted, pointing at the gloves.

Dominic is Your Hairstylist

"Do you like Charlie Brown?!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Wants to be a Dermatologist

"I'm going to gently defoliate your skin with this Agent Orange!" Dominic shouted.

That should be exfoliate, Dominic. Exfoliate.

Dominic is Waxing Eloquent on the Topic of Battle

"The love of battle is the food upon which we live!" Dominic shouted. "The dust of the mêlée is the breath of our nostrils! We live not--we wish not to live--longer than while we are victorious and renowned."

And with that explanation, Dominic resumed stomping hamsters.

Dominic Sucks at Similes

"The stand of trees and foliage stood out in the desert like an oasis in a barren land!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic is the Voices in Your Head

"I want you to start setting more fires!" Dominic shouted.

Dominic Will Design Your Webpage and Host it for Only $14.95 a Month

"I use Geocities!" Dominic shouted.