Dominic Made "Improvements" to the Portrait Hanging in the Living Room.

"I painted him a mustache and a sombrero! Mexico is really in this season!" shouted Dominic.

That painting was the only likeness that existed of my grandmother. :-(

Dominic Is Trying to Convince Me He Can Tell My Fortune By Reading His Son's Dirty Diapers.

"You just gotta look really really close!" shouted Dominic.

No, I'm not falling for that trick again.

Dominic Keeps Throwing Up

"Don't stop on account of me! Hweerghfwrelluuuupppppp!" Dominic shouted. "The Parade of Muffin Tops in Halter Tops must go on! Bwarfwaggggloppppr!!"

Why did Dominic even ask to be a judge in this event?

Dominic Hates Christmas Song Parodies

"The only thing Batman smells like is justice!" Dominic screamed, shaking his fist at the terrified fourth graders.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by John D.

Dominic Traded the Time Share.

"We're going to Akron!" Dominic shouted.

The children had been so excited about finally going to Disney World.

Dominic “bought” His Son a Bag of Rocks

“Teaching your son to throw rocks at cars is not just a right of passage…it’s a duty of passage” Dominic shouted.

Dominic Claims He's an Undercover Double Agent

"I'm posing as Team Edward, but actually I'm Team Jacob!" shouted Dominic. "They'll never know what hit them!"

No, I don't suppose they will

Dominic Baked a Beautiful Cake

Dominic baked a beautiful cake for his son's birthday party.

"The secret ingredient is love!" Dominic shouted

But as all the guests found out, the secret ingredient was actually pepper spray.

Dominic Started a New blog

It took a couple of months before I finally got around to checking out Dominic's new "Blog of Emotions!" which reads exactly like the diary I kept in high school.

"I can't believe you just left your diary lying around under your mattress" Dominic shouted

Dominic Refuses to Come to Dinner

"I won't come over until you do something about your tarantula problem!" Dominic shouted

There are no tarantulas in Fredericksburg, VA. What are you talking about?

"When you were at work, I let loose several dozen in your kitchen!" Dominic shouted. "They're imported!"

Today's DMMA post was suggested by John S.

Dominic Got Personalized License Plates

"I had the DMV put 'MURDER' on my plates so everyone on the road can see how 'edgy' I am!" Dominic shouted.

"Then I got the specialized 'Kids First' plate so that everyone will know that I'm a new dad!"

Today's DMMA post was suggested by Dominic.

Dominic Stuffed the Thanksgiving Turkey This Year

"I stuffed it with my old socks!" Dominic shouted. "It gives the meat a nice gamey flavor!"

Dominic started piling slices of white meat on your plate.

"Mmmm! Gamey!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Bridget

Dominic Replaced the Sugar with Salt.

I wish I knew that before I mailed that batch of cookies to the soldiers fighting in Iraq.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Margaret.

Dominic Is Starting Another "Charity"

Dominic's idea this time is to buy up all the water rights in drought-stricken countries and label it as 'artisan water' to sell at a huge mark-up in trendy boutique stores.

I have to admit, I'm not following Dominic's logic here. How is taking away poor people's water and selling it to the rich a "charity"?

"It's a precious commodity!" Dominic shouted. "Don't you understand?! The more you drink, the poorer they become!"

So then it's not so much a charity as it is stealing from poor people...

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dan

Dominic Uses the Washing Machine Like it's His Personal Laundry Hamper

"Whenever I have an article of clothing that needs washing, I don't want it in my room, so I just throw it in the washing machine!" shouted Dominic. "I don't wash it right away, though! I let clothes build up over the course of weeks!"

What if someone takes your clothes out of the machine to do their own laundry?

"That makes me super angry!" Dominic shouted. "I always start screaming, 'How dare you put my clothes on the floor! don't you ever do that again!!'"

Oh, man. Washing machine hogs are like my biggest pet peeve ever.

Dominic Coins the Worst Aphorisms

"Give a man a match, and he's warm for a minute!" Dominic shouted. "Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life!"

This aphorism really was submitted by Dominic, while he was trying to set me on fire.

Dominic Thinks it's Hilarious to Drive on the Sidewalk

"I'm putting the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'!" Dominic shouted.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Tim.

Dominic Is Sick of His Newborn Baby Sleeping Twenty Hours a Day

"People only need seven hours of sleep, eight hours tops!" Dominic shouted. "but my lazy son doesn't wake up to normal alarm clocks!"

"That's why I had to make my own alarm clock! Now Baby Will can wake up to the dulcet tones of this foghorn!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Ann S.

Dominic is going to the Polls to Vote Today

"I'm gonna to hit at least sixteen polling stations and vote at all of them!" Dominic shouted.

You'd better not, Dominic. Voter fraud is illegal and unethical.

"No, it's okay!" Dominic shouted. "I'm only canceling out my wife's multiple votes!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dominic.

Dominic is Correcting People's Grammar with Non-Existent Rules

"The post office is further down the block," I said.

"You mean to say that the post office is farther down the block!" Dominic shouted. "'Further' is only correct when using the sectarian tense!"