Dominic Got Personalized License Plates

"I had the DMV put 'MURDER' on my plates so everyone on the road can see how 'edgy' I am!" Dominic shouted.

"Then I got the specialized 'Kids First' plate so that everyone will know that I'm a new dad!"

Today's DMMA post was suggested by Dominic.

Dominic Stuffed the Thanksgiving Turkey This Year

"I stuffed it with my old socks!" Dominic shouted. "It gives the meat a nice gamey flavor!"

Dominic started piling slices of white meat on your plate.

"Mmmm! Gamey!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Bridget

Dominic Replaced the Sugar with Salt.

I wish I knew that before I mailed that batch of cookies to the soldiers fighting in Iraq.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Margaret.

Dominic Is Starting Another "Charity"

Dominic's idea this time is to buy up all the water rights in drought-stricken countries and label it as 'artisan water' to sell at a huge mark-up in trendy boutique stores.

I have to admit, I'm not following Dominic's logic here. How is taking away poor people's water and selling it to the rich a "charity"?

"It's a precious commodity!" Dominic shouted. "Don't you understand?! The more you drink, the poorer they become!"

So then it's not so much a charity as it is stealing from poor people...

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dan

Dominic Uses the Washing Machine Like it's His Personal Laundry Hamper

"Whenever I have an article of clothing that needs washing, I don't want it in my room, so I just throw it in the washing machine!" shouted Dominic. "I don't wash it right away, though! I let clothes build up over the course of weeks!"

What if someone takes your clothes out of the machine to do their own laundry?

"That makes me super angry!" Dominic shouted. "I always start screaming, 'How dare you put my clothes on the floor! don't you ever do that again!!'"

Oh, man. Washing machine hogs are like my biggest pet peeve ever.

Dominic Coins the Worst Aphorisms

"Give a man a match, and he's warm for a minute!" Dominic shouted. "Set a man on fire, and he's warm for the rest of his life!"

This aphorism really was submitted by Dominic, while he was trying to set me on fire.

Dominic Thinks it's Hilarious to Drive on the Sidewalk

"I'm putting the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'!" Dominic shouted.

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Tim.

Dominic Is Sick of His Newborn Baby Sleeping Twenty Hours a Day

"People only need seven hours of sleep, eight hours tops!" Dominic shouted. "but my lazy son doesn't wake up to normal alarm clocks!"

"That's why I had to make my own alarm clock! Now Baby Will can wake up to the dulcet tones of this foghorn!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Ann S.

Dominic is going to the Polls to Vote Today

"I'm gonna to hit at least sixteen polling stations and vote at all of them!" Dominic shouted.

You'd better not, Dominic. Voter fraud is illegal and unethical.

"No, it's okay!" Dominic shouted. "I'm only canceling out my wife's multiple votes!"

Today's DMMA post was submitted by Dominic.

Dominic is Correcting People's Grammar with Non-Existent Rules

"The post office is further down the block," I said.

"You mean to say that the post office is farther down the block!" Dominic shouted. "'Further' is only correct when using the sectarian tense!"

Dominic Keeps Calling CVS "The Nipple Store"

"That's where I go to buy nipples for little Will's baby bottles!" Dominic shouted. "It only makes sense that I call it 'The Nipple Store!'"

That's what Dominic says but I think the real reason is because he knows how much I hate the word "nipple."

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry post was submitted by Bridget K.

Dominic Needs Supplies for the New Baby

"Where's the diapers!?" Dominic shouted.

"We don't sell diapers," said the clerk behind the register. "This is a liquor store."

Dominic got furious. He shouted, "You mean I have to go to one store for food and a completely different store for diapers?!"

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry post was submitted by Jason K.

Dominic Knows How to Cook Spaghetti

"You know how to tell when spaghetti is perfectly cooked!?" Dominic shouted. "Throw it against the wall! If it sticks, it's done!"

To illustrate his point, he grabbed the five-quart pot full of boiling water and spaghetti and dashed the contents against the wall.

"Nope! Nothing stuck!" Dominic shouted as the steaming mess of noodles slid off the wall and scalding water spread across the floor. "I'd give it two more minutes!" he shouted, returning the empty five quart pot to the hot burner.

Today's post was submitted/loosely suggested by Anthony S.

Dominic Has Friends in High Places

"And now I'm going to shove them off!" Dominic shouted.

Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry Post was submitted by Dominic.

Dominic Prepared a Lunch of Canned Creamed Corn for Little Five-Year Old John Michael

"A U.S. Marine can down 1.2 kilograms of creamed corn in 45 seconds!" Dominic shouted. "You only have thirty seconds left, John Michael! So chow down, Marine!"

Five-year old John Michael did his best to eat those 1.2 kilograms of creamed corn as fast as he could with Dominic repeatedly shouting "Chow down, Marine!" in his face.

Then John Michael threw up.

Jeez, Dominic, you could have at least heated up John Michael's creamed corn.

Today's post was submitted by Chris M. who says he's got six kids that he'll never let Dominic babysit.

Dominic is Getting Some Updates to His Blog

"Since some of you have expressed interest in suggesting posts, there is now an 'email me' icon in the sidebar!" Dominic shouted.

"Ry Guy has also added a search feature in the sidebar if you want to look for a specific post without scrolling back through all the archives!"

Dominic is Consulting a Ouiji Board for Baby Names*

"'Dagon' and 'Belial' are both good names!" Dominic shouted. "But so far, I'm leaning toward 'Mephisto!'"

* Today's Dominic Makes Me Angry Post was submitted by Margaret.

Dominic Asked a Stupid Question

The lady running the seminar said we shouldn't be shy. "There's no such thing as a stupid question," she said.

"Would you eat this in under ten minutes if I said you'd get a free T-shirt?!" Dominic shouted, holding up a five-gallon bucket filled with broken glass shards.

Dominic Wants to Achieve Inner Peace

Dominic grabbed the zen master by the throat and began throttling him violently. "Teach me inner peace!!" Dominic bellowed hysterically.

Dominic Cannot Take a Hint

"So, I could totally tell that Jon and Kate were heading for a divorce long before anyone else picked up on it!" Dominic shouted. "I just read the signals!"

"I wouldn't know," I said, hoping that Dominic would stop telling me about these people soon. "I never watch the show.

"And when it came out that Jon had an affair, I knew that everyone would automatically take Jon's side!" Dominic shouted. "Everyone thinks that Kate is such a horrible nag that they believed she just drove Jon away!"

"I don't know anything about this," I said. "I really have no idea who these people are."

"Now Jon's true nature is coming out and people are starting to see what I've been saying all along!" Dominic shouted. "Jon's just a money-grubbing opportunist! Kate's better off without him!"

"I really don't want to know about any of this," I said. "I never watch the show, I don't care about them, and I have absolutely zero interest in learning anything about Jon and Kate's marital problems."

"Oh, good!" Dominic shouted. "That means you're a neutral party! Lemme explain how this all came about starting in season one!"

Dominic then went on to explain in detail how Jon and Kate's marriage evolved from season one, completely ignoring the fact that tears were streaming down my face as I screamed "LALALALALA!" at the top of my lungs and repeatedly punched my ears, hoping to inflict permanent deafness.